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Interpreting all that NFL draft day chatter

ESPN’s Chris Berman is part of the blathering that will go on for three days. Actually we mean until the 2012 season kicks off.

Getty Images (2008)

ESPN’s Chris Berman is part of the blathering that will go on for three days. Actually we mean until the 2012 season kicks off.

tom jones' two cents

Tonight, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell will kick off the draft by stepping to the podium and saying, "Welcome to the NFL draft." Deep down, what he really is saying is, "Welcome to the longest three days of your life."

That's how the draft is. Put on a happy face. People are saying one thing, but they actually mean something else. In fact, that's all the draft is: a bunch of talk. There is no real game. The entire event is made up of … words.

So, to help you through, here are some of the things that you will hear during the draft, and what they actually mean:

A GENERAL MANAGER WILL SAY

"The guy we selected was the highest rated player on our board."

WHAT HE MEANS

"All the guys we really wanted were all taken before it was our turn to pick."

A DRAFT "EXPERT" WILL SAY

"I can't believe this guy is still available. What are teams thinking?"

WHAT HE MEANS

"Man, can somebody please take this guy because my mock draft has turned into a Dumpster fire."

A TELEVISION ANALYST WILL SAY

"You can't measure his heart."

WHAT HE MEANS

"You can measure everything else and it adds up to slow, small and not all that talented."

A TELEVISION ANALYST WILL SAY

"Character could be an issue."

WHAT HE MEANS

"This blockhead might get busted before the night is over."

THE PLAYER DRAFTED BY THE BROWNS WILL SAY

"I'm just happy to be drafted."

WHAT HE MEANS

"Is it too late to go back to college for another year?"

A TELEVISION ANALYST WILL SAY

"There are questions about his durability."

WHAT HE MEANS

"I'm surprised he didn't tear a hammy shaking the commissioner's hand."

A HIGH PICK WILL SAY

"I'm ready to get to work."

WHAT HE MEANS

"I'm ready to get to work … after I get paid."

A TEAM EXECUTIVE WILL SAY

"We don't care about his Wonderlic test."

WHAT HE MEANS

"Hey, Plaxico Burress plays in this league, doesn't he?"

A TELEVISION ANALYST WILL SAY

"This pick is a major reach."

WHAT HE MEANS

"It must be a reach because I didn't have him going this high."

ESPN ANALYST JON GRUDEN WILL SAY

"I love this guy. I love this team. I love this pick."

WHAT HE MEANS

"I love this guy. I love this team. I love this pick."

A DRAFT PICK WILL SAY

"I've heard great things about Coach."

WHAT HE MEANS

"It's never too early to start sucking up."

JETS FANS WILL SAY

"Booooo!"

WHAT THEY MEAN

"Making goobers of ourselves on national television is the highlight of our year."

A TELEVISION ANALYST WILL SAY

"This quarterback is a great game manager."

WHAT HE MEANS

"This noodle arm couldn't throw a football through an open window."

AN NFL COACH WILL SAY

"I just coach the players I'm given. The GM makes all the draft decisions."

WHAT HE MEANS

"Hey, if this first-round pick is the next Ryan Leaf, don't blame me."

A TEAM EXECUTIVE WILL SAY

"We think the smartest philosophy is to take the best player available."

WHAT HE MEANS

"Dude, we won four games last year. We need help everywhere."

A TELEVISION ANALYST WILL SAY

"I love this pick. This is a great pick."

WHAT HE MEANS

"Yippee! Finally, I got a pick right on my mock draft!"

THE PLAYER DRAFTED BY THE BILLS WILL SAY

"It's a dream come true and I can't wait to get to Buffalo."

WHAT HE MEANS

"What a nightmare. I can't wait to get to Buffalo because the sooner I get there, the sooner I can leave through free agency."

WHAT ESPN'S CHRIS BERMAN WILL SAY AS THE DRAFT STARTS

"And now comes the moment we've all been waiting for."

WHAT WE'LL BE THINKING

"No, the moment we're all waiting for is the first actual game."

Interpreting all that NFL draft day chatter

04/25/12 [Last modified: Wednesday, April 25, 2012 11:58pm]
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