Perhaps no sport lends itself to humor more than golf. The game is so maddening that you have to laugh to keep from crying. We thought we would lighten up this week and provide a sampling of golf humor. We kept it clean, and we tried to steer clear of husband/wife jokes ( "I got a set of golf clubs for my wife. I think it was a good trade,'' etc.). That still left us with many to choose from:
Did ya hear the one about …
• A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her husband is published. The obituary editor informs her there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects and says, "Well, then, let it read: 'Fred Brown died.' " Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read: 'Fred Brown died. Golf clubs for sale.' "
• A man was about to tee off when he felt a tap on his shoulder. It was a golfer who handed the man a card that read "I am a deaf-mute. May I play through, please?" The first man angrily gave the card back and made it known that the other man could not play through, handicap or not. He then whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole. Just as he was about to putt, he was hit on the head by a golf ball, laying him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf-mute man sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.
• It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Jim was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: "Would the gentleman on the ladies tee back up to the men's tee, please!" Jim was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee!" Jim had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"
• After a particularly bad round of golf, John was walking to the parking lot when a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the 17th hole about 20 minutes ago?" "Yes," John answered. "Did you slice your ball over the trees and completely off the golf course?" "Yes, I did. How did you know?" John said. "Well," the policeman said, "your golf ball flew out onto the main road and crashed through the windshield of a BMW. The driver lost control and crashed into six other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine was unable to reach the fire in time, and the building burned down. Now, what do you intend to do about it?" John thought it over and said, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
• A golfer met the pope and said to him, "Your Holiness, I'm an avid golfer, and I was wondering if you knew if there was a golf course in heaven?'' The pope said he wasn't sure and would ask God. A few days later, the man met the pope again and asked if he had found out about a golf course in heaven. The pope answered, "There is, indeed, and it's beautiful. The bad news is you have a tee time for tomorrow evening.''
There is Mark Twain's quote "Golf is a good walk spoiled.'' And Groucho Marx's "I don't care to join any club that's prepared to have me as a member.''
• "The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top." — Pete Dye
• "I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it, they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.'' — Jeff Foxworthy, right
• "If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.'' — Dean Martin
• "It took me 17 years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.'' — Hank Aaron
• "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back 10 minutes later with a ham on rye." — Chi Chi Rodriguez, left
• "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner and a nice round of golf … and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf." — Jack Benny
• "Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick." — P.J. O'Rourke
• "If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron." — Lee Trevino
• "I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game: It's called an eraser.'' — Arnold Palmer
• "I'm about 5 inches from being an outstanding golfer. That's the distance my left ear is from my right." — Ben Crenshaw, right
• "Golf is a game where you yell 'Fore,' shoot 6 and write down 5.'' — Paul Harvey
Clever golf terms:
A circus tent: A big top shot
Army golf: Playing left, right, left
A pringle: A nice chip
Half a cake: A huge slice, as in, "That's not just a slice; it's half a cake.''
A Willie Nelson: A shot that is on the road again.
A Rush Limbaugh: A shot too far to the right.
A Nancy Pelosi: A shot too far to the left.
A book of poetry: A putt that is impossible to read.
A Joe Pesci: A mean little 5-footer.