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Suggested holiday gifts for Tampa Bay and other sports figures

It's the holiday season. Time to think of others. For those who celebrate Christmas, there's only one shopping day left. So before you go looking for those stocking stuffers or that perfect last-minute gift, we present our suggestions for presents for the sports figures in our lives. Happy holidays.

Jon Gruden

A calendar that doesn't include December. Oh wait, he has one of those. Okay, how about a superstud, faster-than-lightning, hands-of-glue wide receiver so we can go a few pages deeper into the Playbook for Offensive Geniuses Only.

Joe Maddon

The complete DVD set of the television show The Closer, which stars Kyra Sedgwick, right. What? Sorry, we can't read our writing. We meant A Closer. And speaking of gifts out of rightfield …how about a rightfielder?

Vinny Lecavalier

A trade to his hometown Montreal Canadiens, because we have news for you, Vinny, this mess isn't going to be cleaned up soon.

Marty St. Louis

To be part of the same trade with Lecavalier.

Tiger Woods

A remote-controlled caddie who doesn't speak.

Jeff Garcia

A remote-controlled head coach who doesn't speak.

Terrell Owens

A new bus. The Cowboys wide receiver must need one, because the bottom of his current bus certainly has to be banged up from all the quarterbacks and offensive coordinators he has thrown under it.

Tim Tebow

A little humility so he can realize that a year from now, he might have a chance to win a second Heisman, possibly a third national title and the crown "greatest college football player ever.'' Sounds better than being a third-string NFL quarterback or second-string tight end.

Urban Meyer

A pro scout to tell Tim Tebow he won't be drafted by the NFL in the spring.

Jim Leavitt

A couple of homegrown, big-time recruits so the USF Bulls can take a suitcase — or at least an overnight bag — to their next bowl game.

Brian Lawton

A broken fax machine so the Lightning GM doesn't have to make a roster move every day.

Boston Red Sox

To have another wonderful season … exactly like last season.

Delmon Young

A nice Christmas card from Jason Bartlett and Matt Garza. You know, just to say thanks.

John Tortorella

An NHL coaching job so he can bring his team back to Tampa Bay and show Lightning ownership what a mistake it made.

Tropicana Field

A hole in the roof … and a view of the bay … and a few people to help move the seats to near Al Lang.

Barry Melrose

Nothing. This motormouth pretty much got what he deserved.

Monte Kiffin

A lyric sheet for Rocky Top and new birth certificates for Ronde Barber and Derrick Brooks.

Plaxico Burress

A bullet-proof thigh pad for the Giants receiver, right.

Bobby Bowden

An open-ended contract to stay as long as he darn well pleases.

Jimbo Fisher

Tough cookies.

Winky Wright

A stack of tomato cans, then one more big payday.

Tim Marcum

A job.

Stan Heath

A Big East title! (Oh come on, don't you remember being a kid and asking for a dirt bike even though you knew there was no way your parents were going to get if for you?)

Brittany Lincicome

A few victories and a major for Tampa Bay's only LPGA golfer so she won't be Tampa Bay's only LPGA golfer for long.

Jerry Jones

A little steak to go with all that sizzle.

Rod Marinelli

Come on, it's the Lions' last game. Please, Santa, bring him a victory.

City of Cleveland

LeBron James signing a long-term deal


LeBron James holding out to sign a free-agent deal with the Knicks in two years.


Continued good health for Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer so we can continue to watch what might be the best rivalry in sports.

Annika Sorenstam

Realization that she's bored and wants to come back to pro golf. The LPGA needs her.

Raymond James Stadium

A Super Bowl that's even half as good as last year's.

Brett Favre

Golf clubs, a fishing pole, an RV, a shuffleboard stick, a croquet set, a Reader's Digest subscription. Those things all go well with retirement.


A new way to decide a champion. (We ask for it until we get it.)

Troy Percival

Just … one … more … year.

Patty Jones

Tolerance to put up with her husband for yet another year. Happy anniversary.

The Williams sisters

Continued good health so we can continue to watch what might be the best sibling act in sports. (Yep, better than Peyton and Eli.)

Philadelphia Phillies fans

You already got your gift, so go over there, eat your cheesesteaks and Tastykakes, and be quiet.

Philadelphia Phillies fans

You already got your gift, so go over there, eat your cheesesteaks and Tastykakes, and be quiet.

Suggested holiday gifts for Tampa Bay and other sports figures 12/23/08 [Last modified: Tuesday, December 23, 2008 10:11pm]
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