BY WILLIAM HARVEY   |   King High

I stared at the magnificent display before me, both awed and horrified. Nagging at my heart was the question that has plagued mankind for ages, the essential question that inspired the cavemen to leave their dank abodes, and to this day pushes scientists to research the unknown. Which type of marshmallow is the special kind? A wall of puffy treats towered over me in the store in Massachusetts, where I spend the summer, hundreds of marshmallows in different sizes, colors, shapes and flavors. Do I grab the enormous marshmallows that are the size of soup cans? Or the banana-filled mallows, with yellow veins of flavor emerging from the sides? I couldn’t go back to my mom empty-handed, even though her lack of direction (“get some special ones”) was what put me in this sticky situation.  So I turned to the only man who could possibly answer my question, my summer neighbor Jerry Belber (seen above, tasting), a self-professed marshmallow sommelier, or, more accurately, “sommallowier.” He’s a senior, just not in high school, but when shown a plate full of marshmallows, he really is like a kid in a candy store. We sampled nine varieties in search of the most special. Here are my assessments, and Jerry’s ratings:

Green Apple Marshmallow
With Jelly Center
(Mallow-Licious, $2.19 for 5.3 ounces)
The marshmallow’s pleasant aroma, a fresh apple-y smell, drifts right up your nose, but the pleasantness ends there. What was supposed to look like a green apple looks a lot more like a dying pear with unhealthy green worms wriggling out. The generous inner core of apple-y jelly is enjoyable but can’t redeem this failure of a puff.

Jerry’s rating: Unsatisfactory. “Too blobby; maybe it’d be good on pudding?”

Sour Peach Marshmallow With Jelly Center
 (Mallow-Licious, $2.19 for 5.3 ounces)
The profile of this marshmallow looks a tad familiar. It’s the same shape as the green apple marshmallow. However, each package comes with yellow and orange varieties, sort of evoking your typical peach with speckled surface, the fuzz replaced with a dusting of sugar crystals. The flavor is acidic and almost gag-inducing. James can keep these giant flops.

Jerry’s rating: Unsatisfactory. “Peachy scent — lemon flavor? D’OH! Too tart; who the heck eats sour peaches? Smaller sugar crystals please!”

Pina Colada Marshmallow
(Kraft, $1.69, 8 ounces)
An excellent smell and by far the best looking, despite being simple cylinder shapes. Coated in roasted coconut with a golden-tan outside, these marshmallows are ready for a day on the beach, though there’s no pineapple detectable in these beauties at all.

Jerry’s rating: Unsatisfactory. “Excellent look, excellent coconut, disappointing letdown of a flavor. Did they just spray-paint the coconut-flavored marshmallows brown?”

Strawberry Chocolate Marshmallow
(Mallow-Licious, $1 for 3.52 ounces)
An adorable marshmallow strawberry coated lightly in sugar, recognizable yet still puffy enough . The strawberry flavor sits perfectly on your palate and the real chocolate center is equally distributed throughout the marshmallow. An original gift idea for Valentine’s Day sweethearts.

Jerry’s rating: Satisfactory. “Pink strawberry . . . yuck. Needs more red dye No. 5. Weird-looking but delicious.”

Vanilla Cupcake Marshmallow
(Mallow-Licious, $1 for 3.52 ounces)
These would be the cutest marshmallows, shaped like mini cupcakes, if they were a little more recognizable. The vanilla flavor is an interesting addition, considering many of us have been led to believe that marshmallow vanilla is the classic vanilla. These puffs prove us wrong with a tantalizing buttercream cake taste.

Jerry’s rating: Unsatisfactory. “Too much crystally sugar. Is this a soft-serve cone, or barrel of whipped cream? At least the flavor is okay.”

Banana-Filled Marshmallow Twists
(Sweet Mallows, $1.69 for 5 ounces)
Well, it’s certainly the most unusual. A tube-shaped marshmallow lined with spirals of banana-flavored marshmallow and a center vein of clear yellow gummy, it looks like something out of Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax. Is it banana flavor, or something more mysterious? Whatever, it’s taste bud pleasing enough to be appealing.

Jerry’s rating: Unsatisfactory. “Maybe lemon? I don’t detect any banana molecules. Where’s the freaking bananas? At least it’s visually appealing. I’ll put it with my Salvador Dalí paintings.”

Cinnamon Bun Flavored Marshmallows
(Kraft, $1.69 for 8 ounces)
This is your plain old cylindrical marshmallow except in an awkward size, larger than cocoa mini-marshmallows but smaller than regular. The cinnamon bun flavor is a letdown; there is no bun to be found and the cinnamon is just a bit absent, too, unless you have a refined taste like Jerry’s.

Jerry’s rating: Satisfactory. “Good texture and a nice light tan in color. It would go excellently with peanut butter or chocolate.”

Chocolate Mint Marshmallow
(Kraft, $1.69 for 8 ounces)
Kraft seems rather conservative in the looks department; yet again we face a boring, classic marshmallow shape. Although this time, the attempts to color the mallow have left it looking dirty and extremely unappealing. The mint and chocolate flavor form a surprising balance, although even deciding whether to put the marshmallow in your mouth is a dilemma. The lack of a distinct minty smell leaves one to question if the marshmallow has been sitting under a couch.

Jerry’s rating: Satisfactory. “Eeww, it looks like it fell on the floor for more than five seconds. Good mint though, doesn’t overpower the trace of chocolate.”

Giant Marshmallow Roasters (Campfire, $2.98 for 35 ounces)
They may be classic, but are real belly busters. They have great heft and distinct marshmallow aroma. Equal to about 40 mini-marshmallows, these whoppers are almost the size of a clenched fist. Those with small stomachs be warned, they hit hard. Nothing shameful about cutting this mallow in half and saving some for later.

Jerry’s rating: Perfect. “Delightfully gigantic and chewy . . .  Too bad they’re 90 calories apiece; you can only eat one a day if you don’t want to be a marshmallow!”