By Kelly Peretz, Wharton High

Photos by Rachel Mowat, Hillsborough High

A lot of tacky things come with the holidays, but if there were an award for the most tacky, it would go to these sweaters. Stolen from the depths of my mom’s closet for this modeling session with tb-two* staffers, these yarn mutations perfectly combine holiday cheer and fashion disaster. Don’t judge; we know you have a gaudy example hiding deep in a drawer, too.

The culprit: Toyland revolt

The fashion crime: Do I even need to comment? It is a Christmas bear and doll disaster. Among the multitude of 3-D accents, the bells jingle when you walk, so it’s impossible to sneak up on anyone. The colors give you more of a headache than your nosy relatives. Need some structure in your life? Don’t worry, this sweater comes with super-hot shoulder pads.

The culprit: Santa Claus cardigan

The fashion crime: Ahh, my favorite. Santa has definitely been eating too many Christmas cookies this year. The buttons are a little old grandma’s dream accessory. The pom-pom-adorned hats are great … if you’re a
6-year-old girl.

The culprit: Snowman vest

The fashion crime: A nice, Jewish-friendly alternative to the classic Christmas sweater. The bright, random colors on the snowmen are very chic, especially considering the blooming flowers sprinkled about, very winter-related, right?

The culprit: Patchwork Christmas tree vest

The fashion crime: A Floridian’s best friend, the vest will keep you cool while still showing your Christmas spirit if not your dorkdom. Also popular for park rangers; deforestation is obviously not a problem here.

The culprit: Hodgepodge handiwork

The fashion crime: This sweater looks like a holding pen for random holiday objects, trapped by a giant red tree skirt at the bottom.

The culprit: Presents vest

The fashion crime: Dear Santa, for Christmas I’d like a teddy bear, a toy soldier, a toy drum and an ugly sweater to put all of these things on. Boy, did Santa deliver.