By William Harvey, King High

Only losers don’t have their driver’s licenses at 16. So I suppose I’m the biggest loser in history, because I don’t even have my driver’s permit, nor do I care to get one.

I’ve never understood why my friends are so eager to drive and view being license-less as a ball and chain. I can go anywhere I want, I just have to book it with my “Personal Taxi Service,” my parents. I feel like one of those bigwigs in New York City who are escorted around by a chauffeur on heated leather seats while eating sandwiches with Grey Poupon.

While you’re laboriously trying to navigate the early morning rush hour commute and avoid the elderly population’s daily crosswalk migration to the Bingo Palace, I’m able to cram for my first period physics test, which you didn’t get to study for because you were too busy buying and replacing a flat tire the night before.

As the school day draws to an end and your brain is running on overload — and driving doesn’t seem like such a good idea  — I’ll be catnapping in the backseat of my personal taxi without having to worry which lane is making faster progress or if I’ll be able to pass the constantly stopping school bus.

Not having a permit spawns many other benefits, specifically a heftier wallet. Yes, it’s a great feeling to know I’m not throwing away $80 every week for melted dinosaur remains to fill my tank. There are also insurance, tags, taxes, oil changes, wipers, tires, antenna covers and license plate registration, all wallet-depleting experiences I do not suffer.

The pure extortion of paying for a parking meter or school parking pass has no influence on me; you seniors are going to have to earn that $5 for prom some other way.

I’m also not a slave to the DMV, being forced to wade back and forth through never-ending lines only to be dismissed for having filled out form 60S2A instead of 60S2B.

Forget the infinite wait for parking spots to become available, followed by traversing the hot Florida pavement of the school lot; I just request my taxi service drop me off at the valet area. Even when I move on to college, I’ll just select one in a real city with a subway, like Chicago, London or Tokyo, where once again, I’ll have no need for automobiles or a driver’s license.

Yeah, I’m a loser.