*For tips on how to navigate the RNC, from across the political spectrum, click here.*

By ELLIE RODRIGUEZ, Hillsborough High

You look out your window, eyes fuzzy from watching too many political commercials on TV. Is that Paul Ryan lounging on your patio chair, sipping iced tea? Mitt Romney splashing in your pool? Marco Rubio playing Marco Polo with your neighbors?

The Republican National Convention is indeed coming to our backyard, Tampa Bay.

For you Democrats out there who cannot high tail it out of town to escape the madness, here is a tb-two* emergency kit (keep these things with you at all times) and survival guide to help you get through the next week or so.

EMERGENCY KIT

• A blue tie, to show your democratic pride.
• A red tie, when you need to blend in with the milling masses.
• A copy of any Barack Obama speech, for inspiration.
• Podcasts from such sources as NPR commentators, Rachel Maddow or Jon Stewart, when you believe it would be less painful to insert bamboo shoots under your fingernails than to hear the rest of a candidate’s speech.
• A copy of Crochet Fantasy, or other craft magazine, to help you channel your urge to pick up sharp objects into something useful.
• The receipt from your Stephen Colbert SuperPac online donation, to remind you you're doing your part.
• An iPod with We Take Care of Our Own by Bruce Springsteen on repeat, to assure you that President Obama is patriotic, too.
• An adorable stuffed donkey. They're just as cute as elephants.

SURVIVAL GUIDE

If you find yourself out and about during the convention, you'll make it out alive if you remember to:

• Listen closely. Making up facts is not good for anybody, and it is so much funnier if your soon-to-be-meme based on a line from Romney’s speech is entirely true.
• Study the Rachel Maddow and Chris Hayes podcasts (in your emergency kit). You'll have a better chance of winning arguments.
• Drink coffee. Leave the tea for Paul Ryan, and Sarah Palin, who's sure to be drinking it somewhere even though not in Tampa.
• Research the true definition of Medicare. Nobody seems to know what it really means for Americans.
• Offer to show passersby more than two years' worth of your tax returns, then ask if they'll show you theirs. Just to see.
• Keep an open mind. Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion, whether or not it’s the right one.
• Decide how much you’re going to spend on snacks, tchotchkes, transportation, etc. The last thing you want is a vague and indecisive budget.
• Keep your dog on a leash. You don’t want Fido ending up on a road trip on the roof of somebody’s car.
• Watch a Saturday Night Live Sarah Palin spot from the last presidential campaign. Because laughing is so much better than crying. Though this could bring good tears to your eyes.