Upon learning Paramount Network was rebooting the 1988 cult classic Heathers, my initial reaction was: "What’s your damage?"
The Winona Ryder-Christian Slater black comedy about two teens faking the suicides of the popular and privileged jerks at their high school turns 30 this year, and is consequently getting hacked with a modern chain saw. The TV series swaps out shoulder pads for social media — the most cringey update being "gotta Tesla" instead of "gotta motor."
The reboot was supposed to air tonight, but has been delayed until later this year, citing the recent school shooting in Parkland and the show’s "creative risks." But as an avid Heathers fan (I went as Heather Chandler for Halloween in 2015) and a big advocate of theme parties, I don’t think anyone needs a new Heathers. Just watch the original instead, conveniently on Netflix now.
And no viewing party is complete without snacks. While Heathers won’t strike most fans as a big "foodie" movie, here are some quotes from the film to inspire your party menu. So lick it up, baby. Lick it up.
"Great pate, but I gotta motor."
While the word pate is stressful just to look at, it’s surprisingly easy to make. If you want to be authentic to the movie, go ahead and pull out the blender. But if your friends find the upchuck factor of pureed meat too great, an easy alternative for pate is a classic buffalo chicken dip, an ideal snack between rounds of croquet. It will be very.
"Corn nuts." "BQ or plain?" "BQ!"
While heading off to a Remington college party, Veronica (Ryder) and Heather Chandler (Kim Walker) stop off for some deep-fried corn kernels. "Corn nuts" also end up being Heather’s famous last words before her untimely demise.
"Any town any time, pop a ham and cheese in the microwave and feast on a turbo dog. Keeps me sane."
Having moved so many times, JD (Slater) finds some solace in the fluorescent aisles of the Snappy Snack Shack. In terms of hosting a party, could you ask for an easier menu item that also stays true to the plot? Create a buffet of Snack Shack essentials and let guests build their own hot dog with "myriad" toppings. For mega fans of the cult classic, be sure to include Twizzlers, which is what Veronica gnaws on while waiting for her cherry Slushee.
"I made your favorite — spaghetti, lots of oregano."
With the killings happening on screen, a saucy spaghetti is the perfect party food. Accidentally spill some tomato sauce on yourself and you’re instantly in costume. Put out some extra oregano as a table accent.
"Watch it, Heather, you might be digesting food there."
After the death of mean girl Heather Chandler, bulimic Heather Duke (Shannen Doherty) loses her "urge to purge" and scarfs down some fried chicken in the ladies’ locker room.
"You were a Bluebird. You were a Brownie. You were a Girl Scout cookie."
For dessert, draw inspiration from one of Heather Chandler’s most brutal insults.
"Grow up. Think I’ll drink it because you call me chicken?"
No Heathers party is complete without a Hull Clean cocktail. Re-create the liquid drain cleaner "hangover cure" JD whips up with blue curacao. We included several different bright blue recipes to choose from. No phlegm globbers.
"A lot of people drink mineral water. It’s come a long way."
Be sure to stay hydrated after all that Hull Clean. After killing jocks Kurt Kelly and Ram Sweeney, Veronica and JD plant Evian bottles at the scene to make it look like the two football stars were lovers taking part in a suicide pact. As JD puts it: "This is Ohio. If you don’t have a brewski in your hand you might as well be wearing a dress."
Contact Alexa Volland at [email protected]