Roberto Cavalli: The second she stepped out of the limo, she slapped on a face that said, "Adore me." Easy. This laser-cut slinky velvet number is leaps above the gold Olivia Newton-John jacket she wore the year she won.
Giorgio Armani: Her hair and dress were the color of delicious, creamy Werther's Originals. Expect a nation of women to take their grandmothers' candy bowls into salons and dressing rooms.
Dior Haute Couture: Her bodice needs tugging up, but bravo for sporting a hip backwards necklace. Besides, all sartorial sins were forgiven when she asked Ryan Seacrest, "Is there food here?" then shunned E!'s irritating mani-cam, winning hearts and minds across the world.
Gucci: This dreamy purple confection is something Jennifer Garner's character would have worn in 13 Going on 30, which will be her defining film role no matter what she does from here on out. Thirty, flirty and thriving!
Alexis Mabille Couture: No getting around it. This is a whole lot of dress, but if anyone can pull off a series of craft store chest appliques, a belt, a bow and three tiers of ombre chiffon, she can. Fantastic.
Prada: When choosing a dress for the Academy Awards, one should take into consideration how many people will tweet about your breasts in conjunction with your name in the span of three minutes. Then, one should step away from the dress.
Armani Junior: The 9-year-old star carried a resplendent puppy purse complete with rhinestone collar and tiara, and said about her dress, "I liked it because it was sparkly and fluffy." I relate on all levels and have nothing bad to say.
David Meister: School girls from my hometown used to hide razor blades in hairdos like that. She is a lovely, talented lady and must know it's fine to dial it back a bit when it comes to Harvey Fierstein bouffants.
Tadashi Shoji: The pale color plays beautifully against her skin, but it does appear as if she was held captive in the cotton candy machine at the state fair. Not saying that's not a dream of mine.
Valentino: It's cool to be California beachy and all, but allow me to get grandmotherly for a minute: It's not a crime to invest in a bobby pin, curling iron and some hairspray when you're wearing a ballgown to the Oscars, Rachel Green!