Amy Schumer pegs her looks somewhere between Amish Country and Cabbage Patch. She's got round cheeks and blond hair, and when she opens her mouth it's like, "BLEEEEEEEEP."
She's totally raunchy; just take the name of her Inside Amy Schumer's Back Door Tour, which comes to the Straz Center for the Performing Arts Wednesday. But get through the anatomy lessons and Schumer captures the messiest, most honest essence of the female experience.
You want to be her friend, even though she probably hates you. She mocks pornography, Neanderthal men in clubs and unrealistic standards of beauty, but she still wants to be the cutest one in the room.
The Last Comic Standing alum has her own Comedy Central show, Inside Amy Schumer, and a small, somewhat cliche salty best friend role on HBO's Girls. She shines brightest in her stand-up where she both reads your mind and deposits an extra dirty thought you can never erase.
It took a some patient internet scouring, but we found five Amy Schumer jokes relatively fit for print in a family newspaper.
"The girls I grew up with, they're living normal, adult lives. They call me now and they're like, 'Ame, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do!?' I'm like, 'I'll drive you, I guess.'"
"I'm the worst dancer. I dance like your aunt at a wedding. Every move I do, I'm surprising myself. I'm just like, 'Whoa, whoa, nobody saw it going this way!' Everybody saw it going that way."
"Do you guys remember the thing before MySpace, before Facebook? Destiny. Remember destiny? Where when you were supposed to run into someone from the past, that's when it happened? Now every idiot from high school is like 'I'm baaaaack!' We weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties."
"I went home with this French guy, because he said something adorable, like, 'I have an apartment.'"
"I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear, now he expects me to go to his graduation. Like I know where I'm going to be in three years."