With all the courage of a thousand lemmings, Florida's junior Sen. Marco Rubio, R-Duck & Cover, brought his tin cup tour to Tampa Bay last Friday to hustle for political contributions.
The good news is at last he figured out where Tampa Bay is. The less than charitable news is Rubio continued to stiff the public, once more refusing to hold a town hall meeting, or agree to speak with those who might want to ask him questions about health care, or Russia, or the current travails swirling about President Donald Trump....
This chap might be a terrific salesman. But he is in desperate need of a pair of glasses.
There I was strolling through the International Plaza on the way to buy a Mother's Day gift for the Bombshell of the Balkans when the young man standing in front of a cosmetics store thrust a plastic bag into my hands.
"You should really try this," he said. "It will make you look younger."
We pause here for you to take a moment to gaze upon the photo accompanying this column. And yes, you are quite right to conclude there is nothing that will make me look younger....
Pay no mind. There is nothing to see here. No, really, there is nothing to see here. Move along. And shut up.
There was a time when Florida prided itself on open government, genuine transparency and ready citizen accessibility to public records and public meetings.
It was all quaintly covered under Florida's Sunshine Law. And it was grounded in a simple premise: If the public can't keep a watchful eye on its dubious public officials, the body politic is going to be stripped down to its skivvies before you can say "Tammany Hall."...
It is probably safe to say that one of the most overused axioms is George Santayana's caution that "those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."
The quote is so often raised — and butchered — because it is mostly true.
If you are of a certain age, when President Donald Trump, in a ham-handed attempt to threaten James Comey, cryptically raised the possibility he may have taped the former FBI director, it is entirely likely you: a) shuddered and/or b) thought to yourself, Oh boy, here we go again....
Not to get all "Fiddler On the Roof" on everyone, but isn't tradition a wonderful thing?
You have traditions. We all have traditions. And for the past two years Temple Terrace has had a tradition during its annual Fourth of July Parade, which has gotten some people pretty annoyed. You might call this a tradition that simply won't blow over.
Fourth of July Parades generally feature marching bands and baton-twirling majorettes and Uncle Sams on stilts and, of course, the occasional waving, grinning pol running for one thing or another. It's all so Americana....
Time has a funny way of slipping by unnoticed.
So I had to stop the other day in mild amazement when I realized this month marks the 100th birthday of John F. Kennedy. With the passage of time, history has not always been kind to Kennedy's unfinished legacy, cut all too short in Dallas on Nov. 22, 1963, at the age of 46. We now know about his problems with marital fidelity. We know his secret litany of debilitating health issues, and a reliance on a range of drugs to treat and control his numerous ailments suggests he might not have lived through a second term....
Do you remotely suppose there just might be something rotten in Tallahassee?
Or perhaps the real lesson here is that while you should be afraid, very afraid, when the Florida Legislature goes about its business during the day, it is when the sun starts setting and things grow dark that the gremlins haunting the Capitol go about their mischief.
At the University of South Florida everyone was bopping along, singing a song, secure in the quaint belief that the gathering of beagles in the Florida Legislature would soon bestow pre-eminent status. It is a big deal. Being a "pre-eminent university" would mean USF stood to gain millions in additional funding along with the two other "pre-eminent" schools, Florida State University and the University of Florida....
When I first arrived here nearly 45 years ago, Tampa quaintly touted itself as "America's Next Great City!" Well, these things take time. Who knew "Next" would be such an open-ended term?
And maybe, just maybe, "Next" is about to actually arrive.
It wasn't all that long ago that downtown Tampa more closely resembled Deadwood meets Dogpatch where the streets cleared out at night leaving the city to vagrants and critters....
Who knew Sen. Dennis Baxley was such a sensitive chap?
It turns out the Ocala Republican is really the Mr. Rogers of the Florida Legislature. He only wants to think good, positive thoughts. Won't you be his neighbor? Just as long as you're the right … ahem … kind of person. Let's not get too carried away with all this Kumbaya stuff.
So when a bill showed up in the Florida Senate to create a Tallahassee memorial to the original American sin of slavery, Baxley, the Buford T. Justice of parliamentary procedure, protested....
Here's what you need to know about Tallahassee. It is the land of the undead.
Merely because a particular piece of dreadful legislation may appear to be more lifeless than Old Yeller doesn't necessarily mean it won't have a bright future in Florida's Zombie Legislature.
Rep. Byron Donalds, R-It's Alive!, happened upon a bright idea. One of the real stumbling blocks in governing the state is this silly, useless, antiquated concept called the Sunshine Law, which requires public officials to conduct their business in the open....
And this, dearest reader, is why this state is known as Flori-duh, which is an old Spanish term for, "Oh boy, what did they do now?"
In its infinite wisdom, somebody — the parking lot attendant, perhaps? — at the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission stumbled upon the brilliant idea to create the "Python Pickup Program" to ease the growing menace of the nonindigenous reptile. There's just one teensy-weensy problem with all this, of course....
Based on Richard Lilliston's testimony during his recently completed federal criminal trial you have to wonder what the now-disgraced former chief executive officer of the Hillsborough Association for Retarded Citizens did all day long — that is, when he wasn't stiffing his most vulnerable clients out of their Social Security deposits.
Well, that does take up a bit of time.
Lilliston was convicted in federal court days ago of conspiring to defraud the Social Security Administration of $683,599 in diverted payments away from the accounts of profoundly intellectually disabled clients depending on HARC services into an agency endowment account from which he and other employees gave themselves hefty car allowances, raises and other perks....
With the arrival of every election cycle, Tallahassee gets the hand-wringing vapors over the evildoing prospect of — cue The Phantom of the Opera theme — voter fraud! Oh, let's throw in one more exclamation mark for dramatic effect — !
By the Florida Legislature's reckoning, there are all manner of brigands lurking behind every voting booth to cause widespread election criminality. You might well think vast swaths of Klingons, illegal aliens and the Taliban were all casting ballots in our elections. And they are all Democrats, too....
You could make a case that Florida state Sen. Frank Artiles, R-Foghorn Leghorn, has performed a perverse public service reminding us that racist undertones still flow freely throughout the corridors of power in Tallahassee.
Apparently Artiles hoisting a few at the hoity-toity Governors Club earlier this week when he happened to run into two black Democratic colleagues, Sens. Audrey Gibson of Jacksonville and Perry Thurston of Fort Lauderdale....
You don't need to be a cultural anthropologist to figure out this equation — the number of bars existing in any one location will eventually lead to a direct correlation of increased numbers of drunk people getting either: A) mugged, B) shot, C) arrested, D) all of the above, E) Duh.
It has been axiomatic ever since Man first discovered the charms of hooch that not very much good happens after say, oh, midnight. And certainly by a booze-filled 3 a.m. we have entered a stratosphere of stupid....