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Grasshopper problem? Hop to it, man!

 
Published Aug. 7, 1990|Updated Oct. 17, 2005

Question: I've been having a problem with giant grasshoppers in my yard. Just the other day, I emptied an entire can of Raid on one and it just walked away! I read where hand-to-hand combat is the only way to stop the icky things. What do you advise? Mr. Knowledge replies: Do not, I repeat do not engage in hand-to-hand combat with a grasshopper. They are dangerous creatures, many of which are martial arts experts.

I recommend doing what the hunters do when they go after other big game native to Florida _ terrible beasts such as deer, squirrel and the dangerous and unpredictable Florida dwarf turkey. "We station ourselves several miles away, or sometimes in helicopters, and bring the suckers down with high-powered rifles or bazookas _ whatever's handy," explained Floyd Cartridge, an experienced hunter and a member of the famous Cartridge Family. "Grasshoppers charge sometimes when they's wounded, so you usually have to empty the whole clip in 'em."

"And after they's good and dead," he added, "you can tie them to the hood of your car, drive around town and show all your friends."

Q My boyfriend and I went to the movies the other night and there were a couple of really obnoxious people in front of us who wouldn't stop laughing and talking. It ruined the whole movie. Next time it happens, what can we do?

A Dump your boyfriend for Mike Tyson. If you can't do that, do what I do _ pretend there's something wrong withyou. This is very easy to do. Begin by turning to the person next to you andsaying things like, "Is this your ear or mine?" Or squirm in your seat, start scratching yourself and casually mention the words "these darn little bugs."

In Phase 2 (this always works for me), rock back and forth in your seat and say, to no one in particular: "I promise you I won't hurt anyone this time. Honest. I'm under control. I feel so much better now. Really. You'll see. It won't happen again. It won't. It won't! Will it?"

Q I was appalled to read the other day about somebody going to a toy store and finding a Ken doll wearing a lace apron and a skirt. That's disgusting. What can we do as parents to protect our kids?

A Good thing you didn't see the Max Klinger doll. Or the Milton Berle doll. Or the Divine doll. Anyway, if you're really worried, you should buy your child something wholesome. Something truly American. May I suggest a G.I. Joe action figure. Each doll comes with a six-pack of beer, a free lifetime membership to the National Rifle Association, and a coloring book titled My Friend, Mr. Snub Nose.

Q I was watching the weather on TV the other night and the guy said, "The highs for the rest of the week _ Tuesday 93, Wednesday 94, Thursday 93, Friday 94, Saturday 94." Why don't they just say, "Highs for the rest of the week _ hot as hell, same as last week"?

A Sorry, but those numbers are the result of intense scientific research in the area of weather forecasting. It is much too complicated to explain now, but here's a hint: Did you ever notice that on the set of every local news show, next to the Doppler radar screen and the latest satellite photos, there's a pair of dice and a dart board?

Q I understand Pat Williams, general manager of the minor league Orlando SunRays and the man who is trying to bring Major League Baseball to Orlando, is hosting "St. Petersburg Night" Aug. 20 at Tinker Field, which is where the SunRays play their home games. He's letting everyone over 60 in for free, he's giving away bottles of Geritol, and he's going to hold a shuffleboard tournament. I live in St. Petersburg and I'm pretty mad about that. Who does this jerk think he is? Doesn't he have any class? What should I do?

A To answer your questions in order: A genius, obviously not, and see if you can get St. Petersburg officials to hold an "Orlando Night" at Al Lang Stadium. Have everyone rent a car and drive around the stadium for four hours, and then charge them $35 to get into the game. The first four people get a free name tag and a dust pan and brush.

To make it even more like an Orlando game, run a headline in the local newspapers the next morning that reads:

CARDINALS GET 4 HITS & SCORE 2 RUNS!!!

FANS STAND FOR NATIONAL ANTHEM!!!

GAME LASTS NINE INNINGS!!!

NOBODY INJURED!!!

OWNER SEZ: "WOW!'

(Cards lose 18-2)