1. Archive

Eat your heart out, Hallmark

For Valentine's Day, some graffiti

Not too heavy, or fact-filled, or meaty.

Here's the news _ do we care?

Or are we elsewhere?

Buying flowers and gifts for our sweeties?

Bill Clinton, of political lore,

Avoided 'Nam's bullets and gore.

Now we're snooping and pokin'

To see if his slogan

Was truly: "Make love, not war."

The president's popular. NOT!

The water he's in is too hot.

So to seek absolution,

He's got a solution _

He'll lower the tax on your yacht!

New Hampshire? New Hampshire? Who cares?

It's cold, white and boring up there.

Why shouldn't WE pick?

Florida votes for the slick:

Still bozos, but with so much more flair.

It's time for our lawmakers to craft

New districts that should make you laugh.

They've drawn those new lines

Just to save their behinds,

And they just split your house right in half!

The Japanese, in a terrible chop,

Said we're a lazy and indolent crop.

Why, we'll show them!

And right away we'll begin _

Once we get our cars back from the shop.

Is money how your game is scored?

Are you so broke you're dressing in boards?

Don't cry at red ink!

Instead, you should think:

"At least I make more money than Ford!"

Mike Tyson, like some horrid fable,

Couldn't tell "willing" from "able."

But what really amazes:

It was in the sports pages!

Would a Trump rape be in the stock table?

The governor's rating is waning!

The people are filled with complaining.

Yet see how he waxes

About passing new taxes!

No wonder the other side's gaining.

In Tallahassee, they hoot and they holler.

They treat voters like a terrible bother.

They say: "You've no right!"

Which shows they've lost sight

Of their tax of 6 cents on our dollar.

Against guns, booze or butts? Don't attack.

Those lobbies have the Capitol stacked.

But the sick and the poor?

They can't get in the door.

Too bad they don't have their own PAC.

In Tampa, a T-back's too playful.

A butt law will soon mean a jailful.

No more rear ends to flex?

What will they ban next?

Why, your elbows and kneecaps and navel.

St. Petersburg lost its hotel

With a boom! And a crash! It was swell!

They snuck in at night

But they'd get no more fight

If they blew up Bay Plaza as well.

Why is baseball still up in the air?

Because some people lack savoir faire.

They say: Tampa hates us!

So we hate them PLUS!

Yet about that, most folks don't care.

In Citrus, if your lifestyle's too free,

Then that tough Judge Graham you must see.

He might say: "You're too fat!

"And I don't like your hat!

"I sentence you to be more like me!"

At USF, faced with sports scandal,

They bumbled the way it was handled.

Let's hope that they learn,

Since now they yearn

For football! Now, THERE'S a gamble.

Everyone raps, with much glee,

The press bias that they plainly see.

Just once, it'd be dear

From a critic to hear:

"The paper's too slanted toward me!"

Some people are somber and solemn,

And the rhymes here will likely appall 'em.

They will say: "They're too light!

"And they're not erudite!"

But, heck! They did fill the column.