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Hey! This don't look like no "Dukes of Hazzard'!

Unsuspecting viewers of summertime TV in England will see hymn videos chosen by celebrities. Each "Sweet Inspiration" installment will feature six hymns. Among the selections for the first program, made by gardener Geoffrey Smith (well, he's a celebrity in England), is The Lord Is My Shepherd, which includes video footage of a lamb being born.

Oh, yeah! Well, most people who enter beauty contests are shallow, self-centered twits!

Raquel C. Eatmon, the current Miss Ohio, was being honored by the Cleveland City Council recently when she remarked that many people she meets know her hometown of Mansfield only as "that place where the state prison is."

She then told council members her usual response to that is: "But most of the people in the prison are from Cleveland."

Only kidding, she added quickly.

Too late. The damage was done. Cleveland mayor Michael R. White responded by suggesting that Eatmon spend part of her pageant prize money to hire a new joke writer.

There's no such thing as a free lunch. Or a free bus shelter.

The sign said "Free for the Taking."

But Caryl Seel meant the discarded items she set next to the road _ not the school bus shelter made by her husband.

A man in a truck checked with a neighbor to make sure the items at the end of the driveway were indeed free, then he loaded up the shelter and drove away.

Seel's husband built the structure about 10 years ago to protect their children. Other children have come to depend on the shelter, which is 4 feet long and 6 feet high.

"When I told my husband it was missing, he was ready to divorce me," Seel said recently. "It was a misunderstanding, and nobody is to blame."

Nevertheless, Seel, of Sidney, Maine, wants it back.

"It would certainly save my marriage," she joked.

Notice the name of the town where it's being held.

Then there was this item, listed in the Discover America calendar of events: Sept. 24-26, Testicle Festival, Clinton, Mont. Rocky Mountain oyster feed, cowboy beans, music day and night. Over 4{ tons served!!! Contact (406) 825-4868.

Hey, honey! Come out here and try this new probe I bought.

Worm Getter, an electrical probe that is supposed to shock earthworms into crawling to the surface of the ground where they can be collected for fish bait, is putting fishermen underground instead.

The Consumer Product Safety Commission said recently that up to 83,000 of the devices are being recalled by retailers because of reports that 30 worm hunters have been electrocuted. Other probe users have been shocked badly enough to take most of the pleasure out of an afternoon of fishing, the commission said.

The metal rods are equipped with bicycle-grip handles and a cord for plugging them into 110-volt household current. Jammed into the ground, they shock the soil and cause traumatized earthworms to more or less volunteer for fish-bait duty.

Owners of the device are advised to stop using the product and return it to the place of purchase for a refund. The manufacturer of the devices, Handy Marketing Co., is out of business, the commission said.

Gee, none of this could ever happen here.

Memorable moments from Texas' 73rd Legislature:

Sen. John Leedom, R-Dallas, proposed legislation to ship Texas inmates to China.

For the first time in many years, Rep. Al Edwards, D-Houston, did not file a bill to punish habitual thieves by cutting off their fingers one joint at a time.

The Senate took time out from debate to listen to a lecture by a urologist on devices to help ease bladder pain during filibustering.

The Legislature approved a resolution replacing the rattlesnake as the official state reptile with the endangered horned lizard. (Big news, TCU fans.)

At least three lawmakers bought or leased recreational vehicles and lived in Austin trailer parks rather than pay for apartments or hotel rooms.

A House member referred to her sexual contact with her husband during a debate on sodomy to determine whether they would be violating the law if it were changed to include heterosexual activity.

When Sen. Bill Ratliff, R-Mount Pleasant, finally won approval of the school finance plan, a colleague who knew the moment would be captured on television rushed to his side with a handwritten sign saying "Hi, Mom."

_ Compiled from Times wires, news reports and major magazines

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