1. Archive

When they get behind closed doors

SITE: A nondescript hotel room.

SCENE: A dozen very tall men, and one short one, sit in a circle. They are wearing ceremonial cloaks over familiar faces.

PENNY: Hear ye, hear ye. The meeting of the hidden will come to order. We are the 12. All hail the 12.

HORACE: Yeah, whatever. It's like I told Michael

DENNIS: Did anyone bring the doughnuts?

PENNY: Quiet. We are here to discuss Magic.

GERALD: I say we fire the coach.

NICK: We already did, Gerald. Remember?

GERALD: Not that one. This one.

DEREK: Coach Abbadabba? I like him.

DENNIS: Yeah. He brings muffins.

PENNY: We all like Coach Abbadabba. The point is, should we keep him?

HORACE: Well, no one else ever has.

PENNY: True enough. He's been a backup longer than Jon Koncak was. A team hires him, that team fires him.

GERALD: The heck with him. I say we fire him. Remember that 16-point lead we blew against Atlanta? That was his fault.

BRIAN: Yeah, but at least he admitted it. He apologized just like we told him to.

LITTLE PENNY: Can I fire the fool, Penny?

HORACE: Shut up. Why is this doll here?

DENNIS: (chewing) Well, he brought pizza.

RONY: We are playing well now. Shouldn't we keep coach?

NICK: Hey, who let Vinny Testaverde in?

HORACE: That isn't Vinny, Nick. It's Rony Seikaly. The center.

BRIAN: Yeah, Nick doesn't get along well with centers, right?

NICK: Who told you that?

BRIAN: Shaq.

DENNIS: (pouting) I miss Shaq.

NICK: I don't.

DENNIS: No, what you miss is free throws.

PENNY: The point is, should we keep coach? Or should we tell John to fire him and go hire Phil Jackson or Larry Brown or another big name?

HORACE: Well, when I played for Phil. . .

EVERYONE: (sound of groaning).

PENNY: Think about it. We're in danger. We're playing well enough to make the seventh spot in the playoffs. Maybe we could win a round. Coach is going to look like a miracle worker BRIAN: We could be stuck with him!

HORACE: That's right. You win too much and they take the interim off his title. Next thing you know, we have to run after practice. Maybe he stops being nice.

DENNIS: No more fudge?

BYRON: Can I say something?


HORACE: On the other hand, if we fire Coach Abbadabba, who knows who they're going to bring in? We could have someone with (shudders) stability.

BRIAN: Yeah, we've got Coach Abbadabba pretty much broken in.

HORACE: This team is revolting.

PENNY: Well, not yet. But maybe we should take a few resumes. See who applies. See what kind of offense he runs. See what kind of defense he runs.

DENNIS: See what kind of pie he brings.

HORACE: What if Bob Hill applies again?

NICK: Horace, our coach was Brian Hill.

HORACE: Yeah, whatever. But when I was with the Bulls. . .

PENNY: Never mind, Horace. So what do you guys think? I say we give Coach Abbadabba a one-game extension, but we change his title to interim-temporary-for-now-'less-we-

change-our-mind coach.


DENNIS: Oh, boy. Lunch.

PENNY: Come on in, coach. We were just talking about you. Just wheel the trays over there by the television.

RICHIE: Thanks, Mr. Hardaway. And I'll be back in a half-hour to see if you need anything else.

DENNIS: Don't forget the dessert cart.