SKIP THE TEENAGE YEARS? The Beardstown Ladies' Little Book of Investment Wisdom offers this bit of advice to calm investors in these tumultuous times: "Owning stocks is like raising children. You have to be patient and watch them grow. The end result should make you very proud."
NO TIPS ... PLEASE! Wall Street's 554-point tumble last Monday prompted this bit of humor: What do you call a broker? Waiter.
LINKS IN THE GLOBAL CHAIN: Even hogs are affected by the rocky international markets. The price of hog futures fell during the week reflecting worries that too many piggies would be going to market when Asian export demand for U.S. pork could slow.
Turmoil in Asian markets means pork exports to Japan and elsewhere could drop. The government figures Japan imported almost 92,000 metric tons of U.S. pork during the first seven months of the year.
A TASTE OF CAPITALISM: But there's plenty of people in Asia looking for a cold beer.
Within eight years, demand for beer in China is expected to outstrip U.S. consumption, which is estimated at 190-million barrels a year.
China is already the third-largest foreign market for Anheuser-Busch, after Canada and the United Kingdom.
In the U.S., the Department of Agriculture's most recent Economic Research Service reports that Americans drank 13 gallons less of coffee in 1995 vs. 1970, but three gallons more of beer.
LUXURY FOR THE AGES: Hollywood loves to get big bucks from corporate sponsors eager to see their Nikes or Wheaties on the big screen. ET ate Reese's Pieces, while the fellas in Men in Black sported fancy Ray Bans. So what should those dinosaur watchers drive when fleeing from ferocious velociraptors? The $40,000 Mercedes M-Class sport-utility vehicle. Mercedes apparently spent $1-million to get the trendy vehicle in The Lost World, the sequel to Jurassic Park.
TAMPA BAY TICKER: Danka Business Systems PLC reported record financial results last week, but Wall Street wasn't inmpressed.
_ Compiled from Times staff and wire reports.