1. Archive

Starting out with a chuckle

What better way to start the new year than with a few laughs? So sit back, relax and enjoy these humorous observations from Women's Lip: Outrageous, Irreverent and Just Plain Hilarious Quotes, edited by Roz Warren and published by Sourcebooks in paperback this month.

"The hardest years in life are those between 10 and 70." _ Helen Hayes (at 73)

"I'm used to dogs. When you leave them in the morning, they stick their nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the key eight hours later. A cat would never put up with that kind of rejection. When you returned, she'd stalk you until you dozed off and then suck the air out of your body." _ Erma Bombeck

"I ran into my dentist. At first I didn't know it was him. But then I looked up his nose." _ Judy Tenuta

"The only thing I ever said to my parents when I was a teenager was "Hang up, I got it!' " _ Carol Leifer

"I have a carpe diem mug and, truthfully, at six in the morning the words do not make me want to seize the day. They make me want to slap a dead poet." _ Joanne Sherman

"They say you shouldn't say nothing about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good." _ Moms Mabley

"The only way to lose weight is to check it as airline baggage." _ Peggy Ryan

"I got so depressed about dieting that I had to see a doctor. He said, "For God's sake, pull yourself together.' He was trying to get me through the door." _ Florence Small

"When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss . . . and they called me slow!" _ Kathy Buckley

"I don't think jogging is healthful, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups." _ Rita Rudner

"It is interesting to speculate how it developed that in two of the most anti-feminist institutions, the church and the law court, the men are wearing dresses." _ Flo Kennedy

"It's my least favorite season of the year . . . bathing suit season. I don't know why we can't all be shaped like those 18-year-old boys they design those suits for." _ Diane Ford

"Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart." _ Erma Bombeck

"I tried Flintstones vitamins. I didn't feel any better, but I could stop the car with my feet." _ Joan St. Onge

"Perennials are the ones that grow like weeds, biennials are the ones that die this year instead of next, and hardy annuals are the ones that never come up at all." _ Katherine Whitehorn

"I hate to spread rumors _ but what else can one do with them?" _ Amanda Lear

"Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think universities stifle writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them." _ Flannery O'Connor

"After a few years of marriage a man can look right at a woman without seeing her and a woman can see right through a man without looking at him." _ Helen Rowland

"In August, my husband and I celebrated our 38th wedding anniversary. You know what I finally realized? If I had killed that man the first time I thought about it, I'd have been out of jail by now." _ Anita Milner

" "I'm going to be a big star!' In California, we call that sort of statement "creative visualization.' In the other 49 states, it's called self-delusion." _ Maureen Brownsey

"Personal ads are dangerous. You have to separate the ones who are lying from the ones who are hallucinating." _ Rita Rudner

"Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy 2 percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them." _ Lily Tomlin

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