Here is a compilation of opening remarks by David Letterman's from his Late Show:
"You folks enjoy Woodstock?. . . So they had the big music festival up there. . . they had fires, they had riots, they had looting, and nobody seems to know why. Well, how about this as a guess? Quarter-million people, three portable toilets."
"Last weekend, a friend of ours and an Academy Award winning director, Martin Scorcese, got married. . . After the wedding, at the reception, Martin Scorcese cut the cake and then Joe Pesci. . . beat it up and stuffed it in the trunk of his car."
"We've got a drought here now in New York City. It has gotten so bad, the bartenders down in Times Square can't water the drinks anymore."
"It was so hot today, here's what I did: I just sat in front of the air conditioner in my underwear. After about 15 minutes, they threw me out of Sears."
"It's so hot here in New York City today, Hillary Clinton has changed her mind _ she's running for Senate from Alaska."
"Hillary Clinton, our next senator from the great state of New York, knows how to stay cool when it gets this hot. Earlier today she took a dip in the polls."
"Mayor Giuliani's down there in Arkansas. He went down there just to try to jerk Hillary's chain a little bit. He takes a tour of Little Rock, and right in the middle of the tour Giuliani screams, What the hell is that?' and they calmed him down, and they said, "Well, that's a parking space.' "
"I think the heat's gotten to Al Gore He's telling people, "If elected, I will be your most introverted president ever,' and I'm thinking, well, that's a nice change from Most Perverted President Ever."'
"Ellen DeGeneres is going to be doing a show next fall for the CBS Television Network. They don't really know what the show is going to be about yet, but they're thinking about a title. They're already considering the title for the Ellen DeGeneres show Not Everybody Loves Raymond."
_ Associated Press