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Hello, my name is Lawrence Taylor, and all in all, don't you agree I look much better bronzed than I do stoned?

_ Poor John Gabriel. He parks the Magic bus by the road, and next thing you know, it's been stripped for parts.

_ Let's see. The Zapruders get $16-million, and Marshall Faulk gets 45? All I can say is that Faulk owes somebody a lot of highlight films. Soon.

_ I don't know who's promoting Mike Tyson's future fights, but why, oh why, couldn't it be Richie Phillips?

_ Question of the week: Who is more in love? John Elway with Coors beer, or Dan Patrick with Elway?

_ Turns out, last year's underachievement by the Bucs wasn't so taxing on the Glazers after all, was it?

_ One, the Suns gave up absolutely nothing to get Penny Hardaway. Two, they overpaid.

_ I'm not sure what your reaction was when you saw Ricky Williams in a wedding dress, but I'm betting that Marv Albert kind of liked it.

_ As the Lightning players work to get in shape for training camp, they should be warned to work on their eardrums, too. Shawn Burr is back in town.

_ If you're wondering about the crux of the umpire's latest lawsuit, it's this: We quit, and the owners, in a spiteful and vindictive action, let us!

_ So what, exactly, is Booger McFarland's sack dance? The Electric Boogerloo?

_ This just in: Ted Williams is extremely happy about being named the Greatest Living Ballplayer. Especially the adjectives.

_ Geena Davis has taken up archery? Which leads to this chilling thought: If Thelma has a bow, how long before Louise gets another gun?

_ Did you have the same thought as me when you heard Phil Esposito was suing Art Williams? "I hope it's on pay-per-view."

_ News flash: Judges remain divided on whether it was Rashaan Salaam or his career that first went to pot.

_ Which explains the mystery of whatever happened to that great running tandem, Cheech and Chong.

_ Personally, I still think Doc Rivers can win 50 games. It just might take him three seasons to do it.

_ Next time you get upset over the Lightning's resemblance to the Vipers, try to think of this: At least they are no longer owned by a dumb asp.

_ If you're wondering why the Devil Rays traded nobody, it's because that's who they were offered in return.

_ If McFarland buys tickets for young fans, here's an idea for their nickname: The U.S. Nasal Academy.

_ I have made up my mind to be outraged about the firing of the MLS commissioner, just as soon as I figure out who he was.

_ This just in: Mark McGwire has given up Andro. And in a further development, he's announced plans to ride in next year's Kentucky Derby.

_ Did the Vikings really draft Dimitrius Underwood to play defensive end? Or is the NFL really expanding to a game of "Where's Waldo?"

_ The good news is that, even as we speak, someone is in your boss' office, arguing that you deserve a raise. The bad news is that it's Richie Phillips.

_ The story of the week happened in Newcastle, England, when mother of two, Kathy Jager, had to prove she was a woman before competing in a track meet. Evidently, officials thought she might be a running back for the Saints.

_ How much grief does Alabama coach Mike DuBose deserve after his school ponied up $350,000 to settle the sexual harassment charges against him? Let's see. How much did we give Eugene Robinson for $40?

_ So if the Crimson Tide's backfield is in motion, what are the referees supposed to call? Redundancy?

_ This just in: In the new movie based on the Simpsons, Elway will play the part of Mr. Burns. Patrick, of course, will play Smithers.

_ Did you hear about the Birth Night promotion at the Lowell (Mass.) Spinners baseball game? First prize was a year's supply of diapers. Second prize, evidently, was a football scholarship to Wake Forest.

_ No, I'm not surprised Wake offered a scholarship to a 14-year-old freshman. I am surprised that SMU didn't counter by offering a car.

_ Okay, if the defense wins, Tony Martin goes deep. If the prosecution wins, he goes long.

_ Turns out, that final snag in the Cade McNown deal was a big one. It concerns where McNown gets to park.

_ According to doctors, Alonzo Spellman will be fine if he gets the proper amount of drugs. Oh. No wonder he signed with the Cowboys.

_ Idea for the next Showdown at Sherwood: Williams vs. Dennis Rodman in a drag race.

_ Finally, once Barry Sanders' European Vacation reaches Sarajevo, he's going to find a war-torn, desolate place that cares nothing about football. If that doesn't make him homesick for the Lions, I figure nothing will.