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Do I think I want to die?

First of two parts

I wonder what it would be like to not be here anymore? I wonder who would really miss me if I decided to take my own life? I wonder if killing myself would be painful? I wonder who would find me and what they would feel if I killed myself today? I wonder if my life matters to anyone? I wonder if I have what it takes to kill myself?

I scare myself when I think and feel this way, but I can no longer deny what is going on inside of me. I don't know if I am truly depressed or just tired of trying to figure out how this crazy world I live in works. I don't think I like the options that are available to me as I grow up. I've read all the statistics about teenage suicides. If I kill myself, I am sure I will be seen as just one more mixed-up teenager who made a bad choice that resulted in death. I wish I could be classified into a category that easily. I am sure I am not "just one more mixed up teenager." I am a teenager who is trying to get a grip on life but it seems each time I think I am making headway, I seem to regress.

I am not blaming my parents, my religion or the systems in the world for my feelings or my choices. This is not about blaming. Like most kids, I do not have an ideal life. But my specific life situation is not the problem. My problem is that I don't know how to cope with what I can't control. Sometimes I get so angry that I think I will explode. If I were to explode, I am afraid that I might hurt someone and I don't want to harm anyone else. Other times I am extremely frustrated, but I don't know how to ask for help because then I would feel vulnerable or stupid. In my worst times, I feel so alone that reaching out to another person feels so senseless. No one really cares enough to get involved with my problems.

I have been rejected and disappointed long enough. I have failed more times than anyone else knows. I have promised myself so many times that I would not keep doing the same bad things but I even let myself down. I find myself in this deep hole and my self-esteem is so low that I can't see any way out. I have talked to my friends, and they are tired of listening to me. They have gotten to the point that they have started ignoring my threats. I have hinted to my parents that I am desperate, but they think I am just a normal, moody teenager. I have even pleaded with God to give me a reason to live, and I have heard nothing from that source either.

I am tired of pretending that I am okay; I am not okay! I am scared to live and I am scared to die. I don't think I am capable of being successful with either choice, so I might as well die. I won't have to deal with the disappointment then; everyone else will. Part of me wants someone to come in and hold me and tell me everything will be okay. The other part of me just wants to carry out my plans. It's not your fault! There is no way you can stop me! Please self, give me a reason to stop before I do something permanent. I want to believe there are ways to figure this living thing out, but I am stuck. Help me, please! Death is so final!

Next Monday: What would life without me be like?

IT! (Private thoughts of the Indomitable Teen) is written by Cecilia Tucker, a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Counseling Center for New Direction in Seminole. Tucker, who has been in counseling practice since 1979, writes this column under the guidance of a panel of teenage advisers, who approve the topics and offer their insights (in exchange for pizza). You may write her c/o: IT!, X-Press, the Times, P.O. Box 1121, St. Petersburg, FL 33731, or e-mail Floridiansptimes.com.

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