1. Archive

More of the year that was (and still is): 2000

The year in review, Part 2:

July 7: St. Petersburg police Chief Goliath Davis, during morning roll call, threatens to give "really bad noogies" to any officer who disagrees with him. Union files grievance.

July 12: Clearwater voters reject everything on ballot, vote to move city away from the Gulf of Mexico.

July 15: Florida jury orders tobacco industry to buy every single person in the U.S. "something really nice."

July 18: Tyrone Square Mall stunned to learn its customers include young black men.

July 22: U.S. doctors announce shortage of flu vaccine. Statement blames "that weird furry creature in the Domino's Pizza commercials."

Aug. 7: Police union chief Jack Soule of St. Petersburg hits head; wakes up in Arthurian England; believes he is running for sheriff.

Aug. 9: True news item: Hillsborough School Board candidate bounces check for filing fee, has two previous charges of obtaining property with worthless check. True quote: "There is nothing in my history that will affect me being a good School Board member." Sadly, he is correct.

Aug. 19: Employees of a Pinellas business report suspicious hair loss. Company springs into action, brings in emergency comb-over consultants.

Sept. 9: State senators meet to divvy up University of South Florida. Each branch campus to be renamed after one senator plus the suffix "shire."

Sept. 11: Indiana basketball coach Bob Knight fired for doing exactly the same stuff as always except not winning.

Sept. 12: Feds release Wen Ho Lee. Spokesman: "You're not sore, are you?"

Sept. 18: Drought not eased by rain, experts say.

Oct. 4: Vice President Al Gore criticized for heavy sighs and other displays of disgust during first debate. Fires debate coach Kathleen Ford.

Oct. 7: Slobodan Milosevic gives it up, only two weeks after HIS election.

Oct. 24: Bayfront Medical Center denies improper Catholic involvement. Says a spokeswoman: "Anybody who says different is gonna get rapped on the knuckles with a big ruler."

Oct. 26: Pinellas School Board approves new "choice" plan: All students north of Ulmerton Road to be bused south of Ulmerton Road, and vice versa.

Nov. 14: Tampa teen sues city police for letting him drive drunk and causing a crash. "If I win this," he vows, "next I'm going to sue my parents for raising me as a jerk."

Nov. 16: Voyeur Dorm opens in new headquarters at Hillsborough County Courthouse.

Nov. 18: Tampa's hopes of winning FAMU law school are dashed when Commissioner Ronda Storms, oblivious to past rude treatment of visiting students and alumni, asks school officials "if you wouldn't mind using the back door."

Nov. 19: Florida State 30, Florida 7. Game ordered replayed by state Supreme Court.

Nov. 29: Tampa Olympic committee proposes new event of "displacing poor people."

Nov. 30: Florida Cabinet announces it has been "just kidding about all that manatee-protectin' stuff" and authorizes new "machete-style" propeller.

Dec. 2: Mexican president Vicente Fox takes office. Sends election advisers to U.S.

Dec. 6: Year is driest ever recorded, weather experts say. Local governments celebrate by approving several dozen new subdivisions.

Dec. 7: Federal prosecutors, recently transferred from Wen Ho Lee case, discover tapes in Aisenberg case actually are reruns of Alf.

Dec. 13: St. Petersburg Mayor David Fischer declares that his own retirement must be put on hold because he accidentally forgot to fill out Retirement Request Form 39-B: "Rules are rules."

Dec. 30: St. Petersburg Times put in charge of city.

Dec. 31: City sinks into gulf.