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Resolving some issues

We have decided that we're above making New Year's resolutions. Because after making and breaking more than enough of them, we've decided we're perfect just the way we are.

So we're using our inner peace and self-awareness to help some celebrities set resolutions for next year.

BEN AFFLECK: Stop dating girls named Jennifer. It's not worth the scorn.

JENNIFER LOPEZ: Stop getting married. It's not worth the scorn.

BRITNEY SPEARS: Limit number of marriages to one. And if the new boy toy has a girlfriend, make sure she's not pregnant.

J.K. ROWLING: Start writing the final Harry Potter book NOW. It will blunt the speculation about how Daniel Radcliffe will look when he's 30 and playing Harry as a high school senior in the final movie.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE: Rehearse for 2005's release of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by reminding people that the average age of actors playing teenagers in Hollywood is about 26.

JUDE LAW: Get a new agent. One with better taste in scripts.

RUBEN STUDDARD: Release an album titled I Won American Idol. Me. I'm the Winner. Not Clay. I Got More Votes. Me.

PAUL MCCARTNEY: Ignore that humanitarian urge to ask Michael Jackson to reprise their Say Say Say duet for the Super Bowl halftime show.

ASHLEE SIMPSON: Prepare a list of all-purpose excuses for potential career debacles, number them, use them in order and stick to them. Examples: No. 1, Jessica is so jealous, she sabotages everything I do. No. 2, I overdrank. No. 3, my hair dye is rotting my brain. No. 4, I was up late working on my master's thesis for Harvard.

MICHAEL MOORE: Give John Kerry a job at your production company. It's the least you can do to help the unemployed.

OPRAH WINFREY: Pay the tax bill of every person who was in your audiences last year. Just in case the IRS decides to check them all out.

GEORGE LOPEZ: Offer to take over Ray Romano's role in Everybody Loves Raymond. CBS gets to keep a hit on the air, and Lopez gets a sitcom that people actually watch.

STAR JONES REYNOLDS: Trademark the terms "bridezilla" and "raging egomaniac." Think how much more money and publicity you'll get.

Sharon Fink can be reached at (727) 893-8525 or finksptimes.com.

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