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Bush finds temporary solution to Homeland Security problem

Still searching for someone to fill the post of Secretary of Homeland Security, President George W. Bush today hired a temp to do the job, the White House confirmed.

The temp, Grady W. LeBeau, was tapped for the post after filling out an application and scoring "above average" on a typing test administered by the White House's human resources department.

While temps have been used widely in the federal government, most frequently as mail-sorters and custodial workers, the hiring of Mr. LeBeau is believed to be the first time a temporary worker has been appointed to a Cabinet-level post.

At a White House press conference today, spokesman Scott McClellan acknowledged that Mr. LeBeau was little more than a "stop-gap solution," but added, "We just had to get a warm body in there."

But Mr. LeBeau, whose only work experience in the security field was a stint as a night watchman at a Wal-Mart in Briscoe, S.D., may face an uphill battle for Senate confirmation, some insiders say.

In particular, Senate Democrats have raised concerns about Mr. LeBeau's abrupt departure from his post at Wal-Mart after several boxes of stolen Halo 2 Xbox games were found in the trunk of his car.

As controversy swirled around the White House's latest hire, Mr. McClellan offered no timetable for when a permanent Homeland Security Secretary might be found: "To be honest with you, we'll probably find Osama first."

Elsewhere, despite New Year's resolutions, in the first two days of 2005, Americans gained over 1.2-billion pounds.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers.

Creators Syndicate