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Steinbrenner denies wallet-doping

Published Aug. 24, 2005

Just hours after the New York Yankees concluded a deal for star pitcher Randy Johnson, the wallet of Yankees owner George Steinbrenner tested positive for steroids, Major League Baseball confirmed today.

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig said that Mr. Steinbrenner's wallet had used steroids to morph from a normal billfold into a "monstrous, bloated moneybag."

Speaking from Tampa, Mr. Steinbrenner denied doping his wallet, arguing that if the wallet had been injected with steroids it had occurred while it was out of his possession. He suggested that a steroid-laced salve or gel might have been applied to his wallet at night while it sat on his nightstand, for example.

But he cast doubt on the test results altogether when he said that the wallet could have grown to gigantic proportions as a result of "strenuous exercise" during his tenure as Yankee owner.

Rival baseball executives, however, were not buying Mr. Steinbrenner's theory, arguing that his wallet appeared to have "unnatural bulges" at this year's baseball winter meetings.

Boston Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein was among those suspecting that Mr. Steinbrenner's billfold had used synthetic means to expand grotesquely during the off-season.

"When I saw George at the winter meetings, I was like, either his wallet's on steroids or he's happy to see me," Mr. Epstein said.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers.

Creators Syndicate