Movies come out on Friday. Most people get paid on Friday. So, of course, new DVD releases hit shelves on ... Tuesday.
I don't get it either. But it is holiday shopping time, so DVD distributors are firing off tons of high-priced box sets just in time for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and Buffy the Vampire Slayer Day.
A few big movies, including The Devil Wears Prada and Talladega Nights, also arrive Tuesday. Here's a stocking stuffer sampler.
Full House: Seasons 1-5
Only $149.92 plus tax for five seasons, 120 episodes, 60 unholy hours of John Stamos' mullet, Bob Saget's shame and the schlub who broke Alanis Morrisette's heart. (Don't get it? You oughtta know.) If you get bored, try to track, from season to season, the seeds of the Olsen twins' future dysfunctions.
(Special thanks to mi amiga Alex Zayas for her posttraumatic stress disorder-derived recollections of Full House. Then again, Alex also proudly owns - brace yourself - every episode of Saved By the Bell. As long as she has avoided Screech's new, um, release, we'll let her slide.)
The Devil Wears Prada
Yeah, this made like $124-million at the domestic box office and everyone says Meryl Streep is wonderful in it. But I didn't see it in the theater and I won't watch it on TV. Why? Well, let's see ... oh yeah, I'm a boy.
Dog the Bounty Hunter: Wedding Special
Now we're talking.
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly and "Borat" himself, Sacha Baron Cohen. Plus Office Space's Gary Cole and super-hottie Leslie Bibb. I'm not only buying this movie; I might just have to marry it.
Law & Order: Criminal Intent - The Second Year
Does anyone actually buy any of the season sets in the Law & Order family of shows, and, if so, why? Some form of Law & Order is on some TV channel for free every single minute of every single day.
A Human and his STDs: Punk Rock Ballads for the Ugly and Unloved
This music DVD supposedly came out earlier this week, but with a title like that, I just had to mention it.
The Dukes of Hazzard Seasons 1-7
Only $279.92 for 146 hourlong episodes, each of which illustrates exactly the same plot. Fun pastime: See if you even notice when Bo and Luke are replaced by their doppelganger cousins in Season Five.
Rising Sun/Sugar Hill double feature
We're not sure whether purchasing this DVD set of Wesley Snipes films will actually help or hurt Wesley's tax woes. But we do know his character's name in Sugar Hill was "Roemello Skuggs." Which is on par with his characters' names in Futuresport ("Obike Fixx"), To Wong Fu ... ("Noxeema Jackson") and Demolition Man ("Simon Phoenix"). But Wesley will never top Jungle Fever, in which he portrayed "Flipper Purify." Thank you, Spike Lee.
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Also, a wiggly apology: Tina Gonzalez in Texas, who presumably read my recent Wiggles column on the Internet, took exception to my apparently inaccurate characterization of the Purple Wiggle, a.k.a. Jeff Fatt, as the musically clueless "Ringo" of the group.
Tina wasn't the only correspondent to contend that I unfairly slagged Fatt (and, yes, I'm only making this apology so I can use the term "slagged Fatt"), but she was the friendliest.
So, Tina, I do apologize ...though, of course, I plan to wiggle out of responsibility. I blame my good friends, supposed Wigglexperts, who clearly conspired to make me seem Wiggnorant.
If it will help to rectify my error, I hereby volunteer to become a Wiggle myself. Just as long as the guys could use a Pea Green Wiggle whose musical ability is limited to belching the chorus of Baby Got Back.
Rick Gershman can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or 226-3431. His Times blog, the Ill Literate, is at www.sptimes.com/blogs/tampaarts.