In what he described as "an emergency mission to help a key ally in the war on terror," President George W. Bush flew to Islamabad today to give Gen. Pervez Musharraf tips on how to eliminate democracy.
Bush said he scheduled the trip after Gen. Musharraf declared a state of emergency in Pakistan and suspended elections "because when it comes to eliminating democracy, I thought my friend Pervez could benefit from my experience."
Bush said that eliminating such things as privacy, freedom of speech and the constitution had to be done "very quietly and stealthy-like."
Bush chalked up Musharraf's decision to disclose the elimination of democracy as a "beginner's mistake," adding, "I've had six-plus years of practice at this."
He also criticized the Pakistani dictator's firing of the chief justice of the Supreme Court: "Trust me, if you're going to get rid of elections, a Supreme Court could come in handy."
In other news:
- Before returning to Earth, astronauts spent the morning repairing a solar panel on the International Space Station, then spent the rest of the day drinking and stalking ex-lovers.
- GOP presidential front-runner Rudolph Giuliani stumbled badly at a town hall meeting in Iowa last night when an audience member baffled him with a trick question about 9/12. "Sept. 12 happened one day after Sept. 11," Giuliani finally stammered. "And we must never forget the lessons of September 11."
- Furious about what they see as negative media stereotypes about waterboarding, a group representing the nation's waterboarders marched on Washington today. "When senators use the words 'controlled drowning,' people ignore the 'controlled' part and focus on the 'drowning' part," said Carol Foyler, executive director of the waterboarders' group.