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STUCK IN THE '80S

Michael Bolton + Lady Gaga = Game Over Man!

For those of us growing up in the '80s, the end of mankind always manifested itself in the form of nuclear apocalypse or perhaps even a biblical type plague. Never could we have imagined -- or wanted to conceive -- that it'd come this way:

Soft FM '80s king Michael Bolton is teaming up (http://omg.yahoo.com/news/michael-bolton-teams-up-with-lady-gaga/27264?nc) with current flavor of the day Lady Gaga for a ballad called Murder My Heart. (Well, at least the title makes sense.)

"I was taking a break from production when my manager and the label tag-teamed me on the phone about writing with a young artist named Lady Gaga who I had never heard of but they were raving about," Bolton told London's Metro (http://www.metro.co.uk/fame/article.html?Lady_Gaga_and_Michael_Bolton_in_bizarre_duet&in_article_id=727985&in_page_id=7) newspaper. "They said that she was a huge fan of mine and wanted to write with me."

The Bolton-Gaga tune is planned for his upcoming album, One World Love, due later in September.

This wouldn't be Lady Gaga's first venture with an '80s icon. Gaga appeared with Pet Shop Boys, warbling Dustry Springfield's lines during What Have I Done To Deserve This (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBHK_4vf4lw) for a live performance earlier this year at the Brit Awards. (God, did I just call Bolton an icon?)

Well, at least Lady Gaga is a hermaphrodite (http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b142721_link_party_hermaphrodite_rumors_offend.html) -- so she's got that going for her. Which is nice.

Posted by Steve Spears at 10:56:02 AM on September 4, 2009

* * *

Dear Ione Skye ... I'll say anything to make you mine

Dearest Ione Skye -- Another year, another birthday for you, another year you deny the cosmic attraction between us.

I won't even bother reminding you of your age -- mainly because you change the number every time you talk to the media. As long as we share our '80s love, the only number that matters is "two" -- your heart plus mine (also coincidentally the number of Viagra pills needed for your birthday surprise.)

I've spent the year since my last love letter (http://blogs.tampabay.com/80s/you_say_its_your_birthday/page/4/) buying up all your DVDs (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001746/) ... and trying to understand how you could be so cruel to John Cusack in Say Anything. He offered you everything. You gave him a pen. Though in all fairness, it did appear to be a very nice pen.

I'm afraid I'll never comprehend the cruelness your gender inflicts on the soft-hearted among us. I take solace knowing that re-watching your performance as Mrs. Veal on Arrested Development will ease my pain. (Because one more viewing of your stinging indifference in The Rachel Papers: http://blogs.tampabay.com/80s/2008/09/the-rachel-pape.html may drive me away forever.)

In the meantime, because the pain at your absence lingers on, I offer this humble list.

TOP 5 PAINFUL IONE SKYE LINES:

5. "I feel like someone dipped me in used cooking oil." (River's Edge)

4. "I don't want to be 60 years old some day and seemingly happily married to some man that I know is my second choice." (Dream for an Insomniac)

3. "Everything else means nothing to me. If I hurt you again, I'll die." (Say Anything)

2. "I'd kick you in the balls if you had any." (Gas, Food, Lodging)

1. "No one ever finds the one." (Dream for an Insomniac)

Posted by Steve Spears at 08:03:18 AM on September 4, 2009

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