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Published Sep. 9, 2009

LOS ANGELES (AP) - The Walt Disney Co. is punching its way into the universe of superheroes and their male fans with a deal announced Monday to acquire Marvel Entertainment Inc. for $4 billion, bringing characters such as Iron Man and Spider-Man into the family of Mickey Mouse and "Toy Story."

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We can't help but wonder. What would happen if Disney/Marvel held a company mixer? Who would show up? Would they film a reality show? What would they say the morning after? Cue fog and dreamy music . . .


I'm all about a good time. I really am. It just got really crazy really fast.


I'm not going to lie. There are significant chunks of last night that are missing from my memory. I remember pastels, and fire . . .


So I arrive fashionably late, as usual, and the first thing I see is the Fantastic Four having some kind of dance-off in the middle of the Cinderella Castle! Thing is grinding with the Invisible Woman. The Human Torch is doing some kind of Running Man! Mr. Fantastic has an absinthe - absinthe! - in each hand! I kid you not! (Laughter) Everybody starts chanting, "Flame on! Flame on!" And sure enough, Torch lights up! Bam! Combustion! The room is immediately 20 degrees hotter. And here comes Robert Iger, the Disney dude, carrying a whiskey sour to Pocahontas and Torch almost sets his hair on fire! (Laughter) You should've seen Iger's face! The party went downhill from there. If the Disney people didn't know what they were in for, well, they do now!


Vell, ve vere having a nice converzazion vis Doctor Octopus about time mazines ven Goofy scampers over looking kvite confuzed. It zeemz zat zomevon has tied ees earz een a knot behind ees head. He vas vewy fwightened. Ve tvied to zend heem to virst aid, but ze park vas closing.


What does "krunk" mean?


Yelp, yelp, I thought this was gonna be a fu-un party, a-huh, but it seems like somebody wanted to play funny games with me, a-huh, a-huh. First, yelp, yelp, I felt something tickling my ears and it made me reaaaallly laugh, a-huh. But when I took a look arayound, wasn't anybody thayer. And the next thing I know, my ears are tied up in a giant bow on top of my head. Nope, I never saw nobody. How many of the Marvel folks are invisible, anyways?


Busted. I was just screwing with Pluto. It was Goofy? Oh, sorry. Goofy. I'm always getting those two mixed up. So Goofy's the one who walks upright? Okay. It was Goofy.


I don't much care for parties. I guess they make me think of all the times the gang forgot my birthday. Not that I'm complainin'.


That donkey needs to lighten up.


Let this Big Party be known as the one In Which Things Changed. Bother!


Me and the caterpillar stepped outside for a little fresh air - if you know what I mean - and when we came back in . . . let's just say the mood had changed. I've heard there are photos on Facebook - I haven't seen them - that involve an unnamed dwarf doing belly shots off an unnamed, unconscious princess. And I've heard he was anything but grumpy!


I didn't see anything. I left the party - not really my kind of thing - and headed for Space Mountain. You gotta do it, right? Well, I walk halfway to freakin' Alaska and what do you know? Space Mountain is closed until November! You would think they'd tell you something like that before you fight through the throngs of halter-topped mouse-eared tourists from Cleveland pushing their cotton-candy-eating monsters in strollers the size of SUVs . . . AAAGGGHHHHHHH!


I mean, she's hot and all, but I can't figure out why Ariel wants to be on land with all these . . . are you recording this? Okay, I'll say this. I'd like to get to know her better. I'd like to try to understand her desire to be on land. I'd like to know what she sees in this pasty Prince Eric dude. This is not going to sound good.


I can fly. I swear. There's a movie about it, and a sequel, and a 10th anniversary 2-disc DVD set! And, no, it was not computer-generated graphics. Give me a break. Just because I can't do it on cue every time . . .


To tell you the truth, I'm not a big fan of glitter, or fairy dust, or whatever that sparkly stuff is that falls from the sky around here. That stuff can get in your eyes, and let me tell you, it's no fun trying to get a fleck of pixie dust out of your eye if you've got foot-long adamantium blades coming out of your hands.


At first it was annoying. But once he gives up the I'm-a-big-scary-monster act, Beast is . . . he's a big sweetie. Insecure, yes. But when you've been with the X-Men that kind of thing is refreshing. We talked all night. Just talked.


Say, I'm all about meeting new people. I do it every day - well, if not me, my doubles. What I mean to say is the whole Mickey Mouse thing is about friendship and I take that to heart. It just kinda bothers me that they roll into the Kingdom and hit the booze and knock holes in the walls - did you see the place? - and they think it's okay. No apologies. No thank-you-we-had-a-very-nice-time. The Jonas Brothers have so many questions. Cinderella is still picking up bottle caps and cigarette butts. Nobody's even seen Bashful. The Board asked me about the deal, sure. But I didn't think they were serious. At worst, I thought it would take a few years to work out the kinks. Say, Disney is little girls, right? It's smiles and happily ever after and all that. What happened here last night is definitely not Disney.

I do wonder about what we've become. Say, what's next? SpongeBob? Ni Hao, Kai-Lan? Toot & Puddle? We're better than that.