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MEL'S RACIST RANT ON TAPE

LANGUAGE ALERT: Mel Gibson allegedly once told his baby mama ex, Oksana Grigorieva, that the way she was dressed would get her "raped by a pack of n---ers," among other horrible things caught on audio tape by his former girlfriend, RadarOnline reports. If this is true, it makes his arrest in Malibu sound like a Sunday School play rehearsal.

The site says it has heard the tape, which is only one of several outbursts directed at Oksana, who already has accused Gibson of punching her in the face and knocking out her teeth. Besides repeatedly referring to her as a "whore" and the dreaded four-letter c-word, the 54-year-old threatens her with arson.

"How dare you act like such a bitch when I have been so f---ing nice," he says on the tape. "I am going to come and burn the f---ing house down ... but you will blow me first."

Sweet Enola Gay, that's harsh. We wonder if fear is the reason why wife Robin stayed with him so long. But back to the slammer quote, which involved Mel ranking out Oksana for the way she was dressed.

"You're an embarrassment to me," Mel says on the tape. "You look like a f---ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n---ers, it will be your fault."

The recording was apparently part of Grigorieva making her case that he was abusive. Court documents and restraining orders have been filed, but the documents have been sealed. The tape includes the argument Mel and Oksana had, as described in the court case.

"Look what you did to me ... look what you are ... look what every part of you is ... f--ing fake ... f---ing fake," Mel says during the row, which he described in court as a loud argument. "You are the most synthetic person ... who the f--- are you?"

We were just wondering the same thing, Mel. Bye.

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DEETS ON TIGER'S $750M DIVORCE

While it's already been widely rumored that Elin Nordegren is pocketing $750 million from Tiger Woods in a divorce settlement, the details that are trickling out are what's really shocking. Like, say, the one that says Elin can never talk about their problems, or the one that says Tiger can never be with single women around their kids. How will they ever meet their new mommy?

The U.K.'s Sun dished that Woods has to agree to keep future girlfriends (or whores) away from 3-year-old daughter Sam and 1-year-old son Charlie, meaning he has to marry them if he wants any new girl to meet his spawn. That might not be a problem, as the only girls Tiger bedded were porn stars, bartenders and other assorted rough riders. In exchange, Elin gets the biggest celebrity divorce payment ever.

"Elin is desperate to protect the children from the womanizing side of their father," a source told the paper. "Tiger's main fear is her telling her story after he's rebuilt his reputation, sending him back to the gutter."

While the $750 mil is twice what Elin was originally seeking, the chastity it buys comes at a cost.

"The price of the huge sum is her silence: no interviews, tell-all books or TV appearances about this for the rest of her life - even if Tiger dies first - or she'll lose the lot," another source said. "Everything's signed. Elin is ready to file for divorce at Orlando County Court. She expects to in the next seven days." There's no such place as Orlando County, but that's splitting hairs.

The kids, meanwhile, will go to Nordegren, although Tiger will be able to see them. That means she won't be able to just move them to Sweden permanently. The deal can be renegotiated in five years, by which time Tiger will be so sick of being able to bring only married women (and female staff Elin already knows) around the kids, he'll probably be willing to agree to anything.

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Kelsey getting divorced, too

Why not one more self-destructing marriage to end the day? That's right, Kelsey Grammer's wife, Camille, has filed for divorce. But after Tiger Woods and Mel Gibson, he's gonna have it pretty easy, we'd think. Camille's attorney filed the paperwork today, citing irreconcilable differences, TMZ reports. She is looking for spousal and child support, but she has neither audio tape nor a snowball's chance of getting $750 million, so this is like a minor-league divorce. These two were married in 1997 and have two kids, but we bet Kelsey already has responded with some legal filing that points out he has yet to use racial slurs or bed a dozen porn stars. Because those things would just cross the line.

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Chris Brown may have cheated

We knew Chris Brown's performance at Sunday's BET Awards, where he broke down crying while performing Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror, would be assailed as being fake. We're just surprised it took people more than three days to make accusations, because someone just told Us that Chris used eye drops to fake his tears. Surprise! A witness tells the mag that moments before taking the stage, Brown's bodyguard gave the 21-year-old performer tear-inducing eye drops: "He rubbed it in and he started crying," the source says. Brown's rep calls the claim "completely untrue," of course. And, well, that's pretty much it. There's no proof, other than a sickly feeling in the pit of your stomach that once again, you were duped by a manipulative publicity stunt. That should produce some real tears, if you think about it too much.

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Jones busted as Uncle Creepy

Actor Jeffrey Jones, a.k.a. Ed Rooney in 1986's Ferris Bueller's Day Off, has worse problems than a class-skipping student. He's been charged with a single felony count of failing to update his registration as a sex offender, according to the L.A. Times. Ironically, he did achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave his cheese out in the wind. The 63-year-old Jones was arrested last week. He was released on $20,000 bail. In 2003, he was ordered to register as a sex offender and undergo counseling after pleading no contest to inducing a 14-year-old boy to pose for photographs, the Timessays. We'll spare you the details of exactly what happened. Let's just say we'd all have been happier if we didn't have to write or read this news.

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We're moving!

Starting Tuesday, July 7, The Juice* blog will find new digs atwww.tampabay.com/blogs/juice. Please make a note of it (we'll remindyou later).

jgillin@tampabay.com

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