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LEBRON MAY DUNK FANS FOR ENCORE

MIAMI - Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert has been spotted driving to Miami wearing a so-called "astronaut diaper," eyewitnesses reported today.

Gilbert had been seen earlier in the day in a Walmart in Tallahassee, pushing a shopping cart filled with duct tape and pepper spray.

The Cavaliers owner was overheard muttering to himself, "If I can't have LeBron, no one can."

Thursday night, millions of Americans had huddled around their televisions to watch Le-Bron James' ESPN special, transfixed by the spectacle of an incredibly wealthy man getting a new job in a new city. Based on the record ratings, ESPN announced that instead of airing NBA games, it would schedule two-hour specials showing the star cashing his ginormous paychecks.

In a related development, James has now announced that he will appear in a second ESPN show with the expressed goal of alienating his few remaining fans. "The first special was carefully orchestrated to wreck my image, but it didn't quite get it done," he said. "There are still pockets of people out there who like me."

To aid in the demolition of his image, James said he was enlisting a "dream team of experts," including Tiger Woods, Jesse James and BP CEO Tony Hayward.

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