According to Harold Camping, minister at Family Radio Worldwide, the end of the world is coming Saturday. Zealous Armageddon guy say whaaaaa? Yes, you heard right. Even Tom Cruise and Dakota Fanning aren't safe. (I'm referring to War of the Worlds, not Xenu.) Start preparing the fallout shelters. Sorry seniors, the stage you walk across may not be where you thought it would be. Quick, can you get your diploma online in two days? Being the food critic, I had to have a plan for the last two days of my life. A real meal plan.
Breakfast -By the time you read this, I will have already feasted on some English breakfast tea, a nice English muffin with some butter and jam, and a blueberry scone (extra blueberries). If I'm going out, I'm going out with class.
Lunch - Being my favorite meal of the day, I plan on eating my second-to-last lunch the only way I know how: Fast food galore. I will get my burger from Wendy's, hop over to McDonald's for some fries, stop by Steak 'n Shake for a shake and top it all off with a cheesy potato burrito from Taco Bell. Last I checked, clear arteries aren't a requirement for where I'm going.
Dinner - Who needs material things once the end has come? I will take my life savings and spend it on an amazing dinner at Charley'sin Tampa. I'll make sure I order the escargot and starter plate, the most expensive steak on the menu with all of the sides, and the biggest dessert I can find. Heck, maybe I'll take a couple of friends. Party time.
Breakfast - For my last day, I'll put a little spring in my step and go to IHOP. Hey waiter, what's the largest stack of pancakes you offer? I'll take that, two orders. Seven orders of bacon, three orders of eggs, a jug or two of orange juice and a couple waffles. Can I get the lite syrup, though? I'm trying to watch my figure. It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle (the afterlife, that is).
Lunch - Good thing I saved some room for this! There's this great all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet in New Port Richey near my house. For as many times as the restaurant makes money on me because I don't eat to my full potential, I'll make up for it now! Crab legs, pounds and pounds of crab legs. Forget the butter cup, I'm going to bring my own gravy boat and fill 'er up. I wonder how many times a person can spend eating soft serve? Maybe I'll contact Guinness and set the World's Last World Record.
Dinner - The end of the world is a time for family. This is my last supper, and I'm going to make it count. I would take my last trip to the grocery store (I'm a Sweetbay convertee) and pick up a turkey, penne pasta, mashed potatoes and as many fried foods as I could get my fingers on. I would cook my family a most delicious meal and sleep happy, or in a stupor at least.
If I'm still alive at this time, I will start eating prepackaged food in preparation for the coming doom. After waiting hours on end for the sun to explode, I will start to laugh in a wild, maniacal way. As my family looks at me in fear, I will not be able to contain myself, knowing I convinced them to let me eat like a gluttonous pig because some kook said the world was ending.
Junior prank, accomplished.
Michael Newcomer is a junior at Tarpon Springs High.