‘Floribama Shore’ recap: Congrats on your anger management graduation

In the Season 3 premiere, the crew hits St. Pete like an entire sheet cake thrown on a tile floor.
The cast of "Floribama Shore." Season 3, which was shot in Pinellas County, premiered Nov. 14.
The cast of "Floribama Shore." Season 3, which was shot in Pinellas County, premiered Nov. 14. [ Courtesy of MTV ]
Published Nov. 15, 2019|Updated Nov. 15, 2019

It begins with the cast traveling by plane and by Kortni’s mom Sharon’s car toward their new house in St. Pete Beach, and it is quite nice. “My credit score has been increased by 200 points,” remarks Candace when she walks inside the sparkling home, and even though that is not how credit works, you get the idea.

“We don’t know if St. Pete is the saint of drama, the saint of hunching, the saint of partying or the saint of nightlife,” says Codi, wide-eyed on arrival at Tampa International Airport. Saint Peter is actually the patron saint of locksmiths, fishermen and those with foot ailments, but I wouldn’t tell Codi this, even if I could, because at this moment his world is bright and the possibilities are wide (for places to puke and rally).

A year has passed, so there are status updates. Kortni has a boyfriend in the military who will soon be deployed, plus a new philosophy on life: She pees only in bathrooms. Gus has a serious girlfriend, who is not happy he’s going to be spending the summer with past hookup Nilsa, plus he has a dangly new earring that seems to signal an embrace of his George Michael-ness. Aimee has begun dating a felon by the name of Johnson, who helped her up after she fell down in a bar, but, more importantly, she has completed her eight hours of court-mandated anger management school. Nilsa recently lost someone, and now realizes that life is precious. Jeremiah, Candace, Codi and Kirk are single, and back for Season 3.

Gus, shirtless within 90 seconds of arrival at the new house, gives Nilsa a quick hug, after which she asks if she’s going to be in trouble with his girlfriend because of it, at which point me, you and everyone else watching Floribama Shore know that a Gus-Nilsa hookup is imminent this season. Nilsa, of course, says it won’t happen, and blames the last time she woke up in his bed on Hurricane Michael.

RELATED: What did Floribama Shore do to St. Petersburg?

Alright. That’s out of the way. Time to get drunk on a Monday. The crew heads to downtown St. Petersburg for a visit to MacDinton’s, where we see several people perform flips on the dance floor, which as any St. Petersburgian will tell you, is customary of our people when we visit MacDinton’s. (I have never been inside MacDinton’s.)

Quick question: Why is the Floribama Shore cast always so wet? Whenever they’re shown out at a bar, within seconds, they have splotches of liquid all over their shirts. Are they that messy? Are they being pelted with drinks off camera? Is some producer spritzing them?

Candace forgot her ID, so she borrows one from a stranger on the sidewalk and, in the least convincing premise of the episode, tries to use it to get inside MacDinton’s and gets turned down. Maybe it’s because the woman who gave her the ID is standing directly next to her. When she finally finds her real license buried in her purse, she finds Codi dancing with several women and biting one’s butt, and gets jealous because “you say you like me.”

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Back out on the sidewalk, Gus is letting women do body shots off his abs, and Jeremiah throws up in the bushes and Aimee and Nilsa walk to Joey Brooklyn’s to get pizzas for the ride home. Aimee begins to cry when she realizes she has gotten into the pizza-free taxi with Jeremiah, who really needs to throw up again. Upon realizing he’s a giant man trapped in a minivan, his rage turns him into the Nauseous Hulk, as he begins screaming, “I’m locked in here and I can’t puke out of the door and it’s pissing me off!” The guy really wants to punch something, but what? The cab driver? His bartender? His own stomach for being such a wuss?

The next day, an argument erupts over who gets which bedroom. Nilsa tries to use Hurricane Michael, which happened a year earlier, as her reasoning for why she gets the room she wants (sensing a pattern yet?), but Candace is furious, and throws a beer can at her face, storms out and calls everyone a ho.

Someone decides the best way to deflate the situation is to go out drinking again, this time at MacNasty’s in St. Pete Beach, where Codi describes the clientele as “dollar draft beer people." This time it’s Candace who gets flirty with someone, sending Codi into a rage.

Speaking of rage, is there a Hallmark greeting card that says “congratulations on graduating from anger management”? The gang goes shopping for supplies to throw Aimee a “from mad to grad”-themed graduation party to celebrate her graduation from anger management class. They get her a cake, but when Kirk playfully pushes Aimee’s face into it, she picks up the entire sheet cake and launches it across the room.

As everyone is slipping and sliding on the icing (that’s how you get ants, guys), we realize who’s missing: Kortni, who is discovered shivering and coughing in a corner somewhere wrapped in a blanket. The question is posed, Do you want some chicken soup, or something? but Kortni says, “I feel like my whole body’s shutting down,” so, that escalated quickly.

Nilsa calls an ambulance for Kortni, and we have our double episode premiere-ending cliffhanger.

Ready to meme: A screenshot of Aimee, strangely rigid after falling on the sidewalk when her caption “I’m a thot" appeared on screen.

"I'm a THOT!" from r/trashy

The You’ll Regret This When You Run for Office Someday award goes to ... Gus, for his very obviously true story about a romantic encounter with a large stuffed animal that made me say out loud, “Oh, no."

Other local stuff spotted: Bandit Coffee, the Howard Frankland Bridge, the Sunshine Skyway bridge.