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Floribama Shore recap: Wait, does Ferg’s have a stripper pole?

In Episodes 3 and 4 of the MTV reality series, Jeremiah just wants to ‘have a good time, with my boy’ in St. Petersburg.

Remember where we left off, when a sweaty Kortni was all “I feel like my whole body’s shutting down,” prompting Nilsa to call her an ambulance in the dramatic cliffhanger?

She’s fine.

Moving on, Candace and Codi go on a date to Crabby Bill’s because Candace wants to “set things straight” between them. Codi halfheartedly explains that “I do like you like that.” Candace unflinchingly tells him that “I just want to be single right now.” Thus continues the story line of two people who could not have less chemistry if they were actually siblings.

The date ends when Codi goes to the bathroom to throw up, which is when we learn his dry heaves sound just like a guy trying to pull-start a leaf blower. Codi throwing up is a sort of recurring theme of this episode, in which we are introduced to the “puke and tally," a chalkboard on which the gang keeps track of how many times each of them have, well, you know.

Never forget that the weirdest and most fascinating part of this experiment designed to drive eight 20-something humans to either murder or a drinking problem is that they are living for seven weeks with no smartphones and no other means of contacting the outside world other than a single landline phone.

RELATED: What did MTV’s ‘Floribama Shore’ do to St. Pete?

Gus is spending a lot of time on that phone struggling to appease his girlfriend, Lisa, a woman with the voice of a 12-year-old, who is devastated he can’t visit her for her birthday. “But it’s my birthday. ... I decorated my whole room for your birthday,” she reminds him over and over before hanging up on him. Gus admits that Lisa is from a rich family and makes him feel like trash. Also, can you imagine having serious relationship conversations on a phone shaped like an alligator?

Aimee, meanwhile, is spending a lot of time on the gator phone trying to reach her boyfriend, Dillon, the felon who isn’t picking up. She’s worried he’s cheating or has started doing drugs again for the first time in years. She finally gets a hold of him and it turns out he was just “tubin’ on the creek," which is why he didn’t have service. Also, his stepmom was lying when she told “Mawmaw” he was back on drugs. Aimee’s relationship is solid.

This week’s big drinking outing is a trip to Ferg’s Sports Bar. Kirk says it’s the biggest bar he’s ever been in and that “bro, this place is f---ing crazy, there’s axe throwing, there’s multiple bars ... and of course there’s a stripper pole.” Nilsa dances on the so-called stripper pole, which I’m pretty sure is actually just a pole, but the lesson here is that any pole can be a stripper pole if you believe in yourself. Jeremiah gets a woman’s phone number, Kristen, who comes over the next day for Sunday Funday brunch.

At the shore house, some fights ensue. Candace becomes enraged at Kirk when he uses the n-word at the dinner table. He eventually apologizes.

Gus loses it when Codi refers to his girlfriend with the b-word, and for the first time, we see the show’s security guards step in to break them up (Codi cowers in a bathroom as Gus threatens to kill him).

Jeremiah consoles Gus by holding him close, pressing his forehead to Gus’ forehead and telling him not to worry about all that, because “I’m just tryna have a good time ... with my boy!” Also, Jeremiah, who was not a part of the fight, is full-on crying for some reason. It is by far the greatest moment so far this season.

And finally, Kortni gets mad at everyone for disturbing her while she has tonsillitis and anxiety and is trying to hibernate in the basement. Yes, a basement. In Florida. What sorcery is this? Unclear, but it’s either some kind of camera trickery or MTV found the only basement in this whole state.

And because we need a cliffhanger to end on, Gus ends up back on the phone with his girlfriend for another agonizing round of, “But it’s my birthday,” which ends with him telling her he “can’t do this” relationship anymore and hanging up on her. Prepare for single, Gus.

Also spotted this week: MacDinton’s, the Crafty Squirrel and one of the skunks from Florida Skunk Rescue that’s always hanging out at Green Bench.

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