After a week off for Thanksgiving, the Floribamans are back, and Gus just “called it off” with his girlfriend via the alligator phone, which I think means they broke up.
Nilsa is hanging out with Kristen, the woman Jeremiah invited over from Ferg’s. I worry for Kristen. She seems totally normal. Nilsa ignores Kristen’s attempts at sincere, human, getting-to-know-you talk, and instead abruptly dives into her own favorite topic: “So Gus and I used to hook up last summer ... ."
In a lapse, someone allows Kristen to talk, and she explains her requirements in a man are, “You have to love Jesus. And you have to work out.” In fact, she reiterates that she simply “can’t imagine being with somebody who doesn’t work out" (okay, we get it). I can’t really remember if Jeremiah is all that religious (all the housemates do pray before every meal), but the guy has giant muscles (and also, if we’re being honest, an equally giant head), and it seems like Kristen will be hanging around some more this season.
Kortni, who is still sick, possibly suffering from that zombie rage virus from 28 Days Later, wants to apologize to Candace for freaking out on her in a pancake-related incident in the previous episode, so she writes her an apology letter. Candace finds it and says she appreciates Kortni’s gesture. She appreciates it so much that she wakes Kortni from a dead sleep, late at night, eye mask on and everything, just to let her know that hey, I know you’re sleeping, I’ll let you sleep, but I just wanted to let you know that I’ll talk to you about this in the morning, when it’s appropriate, so that I don’t bother you.
Gus is feeling “a little bit broken inside” after his breakup, so the crew takes him to the Toasted Monkey bar and feeds him many, many shots. A full half a day after the breakup, he and Codi are bumping chests and slapping each other on the butts as Gus announces that he’s had “old Gus tucked way for a year," and it’s time to bring him out.
In the taxi to Mad Beach Dive Bar, Nilsa talks about how great St. Pete taxis are, because they’re stocked with plastic bags in case you have to throw up. Aimee pees in one of the bags. In the guys’ taxi, Jeremiah starts dry heaving again, which sets off a chain reaction of everyone heaving. Finally, both taxis arrive, and everyone gets out holding their bags like a bunch of kids who just won the world’s worst goldfish at a carnival.
Gus flirts and dances with a bartender, but when she can’t get off work early, he invites a couple of other women back to the beach house for a pool party. “It looks like Gus got his groove back,” announces Gus. We all know what happens in pools on reality shows, so of course Gus makes out with one of the women while Nilsa swims nearby and awkwardly watches. Codi eventually scares the women off by showing them his butt tattoo (a tattoo on his butt, not of a butt), and they go home.
Kortni’s mom calls to say that Kortni’s tonsillectomy is scheduled for later that week, meaning she’ll have to leave the shore house for surgery. At Aimee’s suggesting, everyone performs an exorcism on Kortni’s tonsils during her going away party, but despite the saint candles with their own faces on them and the sage, it is not successful at anything except giving Kortni a sage migraine.
“We’re going to miss you Kortni,” says Codi with all the sincerity of a teenager forced to apologize for leaving a flaming bag of dog poop on his neighbor’s porch. And just like that Kortni leaves. Hopefully she heals her body swiftly so that she can get back to St. Pete and continue abusing it.
The episode ends with Gus’ mom calling the gator phone. She wants Gus to know that she’s been talking to the ex-girlfriend, and she thinks they should maybe get back together. “I’ve already done things here Mom,” Gus says. “She doesn’t have to know that,” says Mom, in what feels like the reveal of the true evil mastermind of this whole series. It’s not like Gus’ every move was being filmed for a reality show, right?