How’s it all gonna end?
The crew detained at Guantanamo Bay? A new strain of coronavirus infects the shore house? A bootleg Ayahuasca ceremony that solves all the drama?
Perhaps the producers could cook up some sort of Hunger Games situation inside an empty former K-Mart?
You have to go big for a two-part season finale, right?
Part one brings the arrival of Jeremiah’s brother Josh, evil incarnate in American flag overalls if you believe every housemate who’s not Jeremiah. But he’s actually pretty chill this time.
Jeremiah breaks the news to Mattie that he is not interested in a long-distance relationship after the season ends, and despite the fact that there is video evidence showing he clearly told her the very same thing at the start of their flirtation, she does not take it well.
Perhaps the biggest revelation there is that they never officially “hunched,” which means that no one hunched this season except Aimee and her serious long-term boyfriend/sex servant Dylan. It’s shocking, but also kind of nice to see this group of people being somewhat responsible with their bodies and emotions? It’s also enough to make Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino turn over in his grave. He’s not dead, but I heard he sleeps in a hole in the ground now.
Anyway, part one of the finale is mostly the big blow up between Codi, Kirk, Josh and Candace. In brief, Codi bought Candace some roses from one of those flower guys at Ferg’s. He says it’s because all the other girls got a rose, and he doesn’t want Candace to feel left out.
He gives them to Candace, which causes Kirk to call him a b---h, like, 40 times. Gus nods and basically says, yeah, Kirk’s not wrong. Candace gets unreasonably pissed. But why?
Like almost every inexplicable fight this season, it feels like a key piece of information is missing. Some sort of purposeful editing that led to a bizarre jump cut.
But we actually do get a little more info this time.
Gus says, “Kirk and I have some real ammunition that will make you stop,” referring to Codi’s pursuit of Candace.
Then Gus reveals that Candace has secretly been telling everyone, in private, that Codi’s whole pining for her is just an act for the cameras. Candace admits that it’s true, she said it. Then she goes to the side of the house and screams at the top of her lungs for a while.
Part two is for fixing everything before they head home, starting with all of the girls going to a tea party at the Chattaway, “the girliest thing I can think of,” says Nilsa.
The guys do something manly by going to Dr. BBQ, where Codi says that Kirk calling him a b---h was hard, but ultimately a good thing, and Gus apologizes and “at the end of the day” they all hug it out.
Josh pulls Jeremiah and Gus together to talk about their issues and if they can all go back to living together in the real world when the show is over. The answer is no, but, “at the end of the day,” they all hug it out.
Back at the house, Mattie and Jeremiah “at the end of the day” hug it out.
Kirk apologizes to Candace. She is not really accepting. They do not hug it out.
Now that that’s all settled, the only logical way to celebrate is to lick whipped cream and chocolate syrup off Gus and Codi’s hairy abdomens, which Nilsa and Candace do respectively.
The last night in St. Pete is spent at Mad Beach Dive Bar. Some kind of fight breaks out outside.
“Finally there’s a fight that doesn’t involve us,” Kirk says in celebration.
Well, sort of. It was left out of the episode, but the fight was between one of Floribama Shore’s private security guards and a bar patron. On July 12, Pinellas County deputies arrived at Mad Beach Dive Bar and found the security guard pinning a local man to the ground. The guard said the man had repeatedly tried to touch a cast member. The local man said he was just kidding. Another patron’s smartphone video showed the security guard taking the man down with a “karate chop," according to the police report.
Back at the beach house, things are winding down. There’s some skinny dipping. There’s some pizza. There’s one final attempt by Gus to hook up with Nilsa, who says no. Gus agrees that it’s totally a good idea that they’re remaining just friends, but does offhandedly mention he’s really good at having sex with just friends and not letting it get weird. Nilsa does not change her mind.
Bags are packed, and everyone begins leaving in their own separate cars. Aimee takes Sherman the hermit crab with her in a little plastic carrier.
It has been a long, overemotional season, but, at the end of the day, I’m just really, really relieved that they did not kill that crab.