Tonight on The X-Files, things got a little crazy. Season 11, Episode 4, "The Lost Art of Forehead Sweat" is one of those zany episodes that can only come to you from the mind of Darin Morgan, like other noteworthy parody-fests like "Jose Chung's From Outer Space" and last season's "Mulder and Scully Meet the Were-Monster."
It would be impossible to recap this episode in the vein of other episodes, if only because all Darin Morgan episodes defies explanation in text — you have to watch it to comprehend and believe the tale of a conspiracy nut who may or may not have created the X-Files, been involved with finding an alien in Grenada in the '80s and blames the Mandela Effect (or Mengele Effect) on a maybe real figure named Dr. They.
So aside from saying Mulder is repeatedly called "Foxy" as a name, not an adjective, and Scully seems super concerned about dinner (undoubtedly A DATE after last week's episode), I will leave it to that and instead present you with the best quotes from the episode.
"I was out 'squatchin'. … Bigfoot hunting. I had my phone turned off." – Mulder
"I just had to get away from the madness for a little while. It seems all I've done this past year is watch the news and worry that the country's gone insane. I had to get out to nature, where it's simple and uncomplicated, where it's just you and the elements and possibly a cryptozoological simian-like humanoid with enormous, hairy feet." – Mulder
"I think you just like saying 'squatchin'." – Scully
"Who are they?" – Mulder
"They are why you don't remember. Why aren't people getting probed by aliens anymore? You used to know, but they made you forget, so you wouldn't remember me." – Reggie
"Confuse The Twilight Zone with The Outer Limits? DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME?" – Mulder to Scully
"How did you know it was me?" – Reggie
"He mentioned the forehead sweat." – Scully
"Let me get this straight — when it cools, it forms into three different layers with three different textures, all from the same mix? How has this not been an X-File?" – Mulder on a knock-off of Jell-O 123
"The lemon-lime tasted like leprechaun taint." – Scully, who prefers cherry flavored Jell-O knockoffs
"It's the Mandela effect. When someone has a memory of something that's not shared by the majority or the factual record. For instance, there are some people that have a memory of seeing a movie called Shazam starring Sinbad as an irrepressible genie. Even after it's pointed out to them they're probably thinking of a movie called Kazaam starring Shaquille O'Neil as an irrepressible genie. Especially because a movie named Shazam was never made."
"But what if I don't remember either movie?"
"You win!" – Mulder and Scully
"Come on, it'll be like a date." – Mulder taking Scully to a rendezvous with Reggie
"That's something somebody might actually want, so no." – shop owner when asked if he had Dr. Wuzzle books
"The government always knows more than they let on." -shop owner
"The Mandela effect … is simply people misremembering stuff." -Scully
"Maybe this is actually evidence of a parallel universe." -Mulder
"Wait, what?" -Scully and Reggie
"So maybe these differences in collective memory are actually evidence of our universe somehow becoming intertwined with another if not identical then very similar universe so people's memories are correct, they're just remembering something that happened in another dimension. Hence the discrepancies. That's science, Scully." -Mulder
"We're not going to do this parallel universe, sci-fi gobbledygook, nerd boy." – Reggie
"IT'S NOT PARALLEL UNIVERSES!" – everybody who is not Mulder
"We were made of stronger stuff back then, Scully." – Mulder
"You know what? A conspiracy nut is right twice a day." – Reggie
"They want you to think all conspiracies are nutty so that you ignore the ones that are true." – Reggie
"The alien had been sent to earth to warn us about holes in the ozone layer. He said one of his people would return in 35 years to see if we managed to avoid environmental catastrophe." – Reggie
"What you've told us is theoretically possible. More likely in another universe." – Mulder
"The one thing I didn't forget was the telepathic screams of that alien. I wanted to know where the men from the government took him. That's when I dropped out of med school, joined the FBI. And that's how I started the X-Files." – Reggie
Reggie Something's entire X-Files opening sequence recreation and case files.
"Guys, if this turns out to be killer cats, I'm going to be very disappointed." – Reggie
"Do you know who I am? I'm Fox Mulder. I was fighting the power and breaking conspiracies before you saw your first chem trail, you punks. I'M FOX FREAKING MULDER, YOU PUNKS."
"I'm right back to parallel universes again. It's true Scully, I've lost the plot. I can't find the hidden connections between things anymore. The world has become too crazy for even my conspiratorial powers." – Mulder "Maybe you've just lost your taste for it after all this birther stuff." – Scully
"When's the last time someone admitted doing something they were ashamed of? Even caught on tape, they just say, 'Well, that was taken out of context.'"
"Who's hiding? I'm in the phone book. But nobody knows what's a phone book anymore." – Dr. They
"They don't care if the truth gets out. Because the public no longer knows what is meant by the truth." – Dr. They
"Believe what you want to believe. That's what everybody does nowadays anyways." – Dr. They
"Take care, guys, stay sane. And good luck with the rest of your cases." – Reggie
The entire sequence with the alien. "And Scully drove."
"We are building a wall. … We can't allow your kind to infiltrate the rest of the cosmos. You're not sending us your best people. You're bringing drugs, you're bringing crime, you're rapists. And some, I assume, are good people. But we have no choice, believe me. For although the rest of the galaxies all have their share of these problems, we fear you could infect the rest with the one trait that is unique to earthlings: You lie." – the alien
"Good luck. And good riddance." – the alien
"So that's the truth? We're not alone in the universe? But nobody likes us?" – Mulder
"Don't worry, Mulder. There will always be more X-Files." – Scully
"No, they gave us the answers to everything. Even Sasquatch. NO! NO! IT'S NOT TRUE! IT CAN'T BE." – Mulder before pitching a fit
"It's time to face the facts, guys. This is the end of the X-Files. But maybe the point wasn't to find the truth but to find each other." – Reggie, in a line that may as well have been aimed at the whole fanbase since this seems to be the final season of the show
"I want to remember how it was. I want to remember how it all was." – Scully not eating the Jell-O, in another line seemingly aimed at the fanbase
"Where the hell are they taking Reggie?" – Skinner