Everywhere you look, the things we loved from long ago are returning to us.
The latest on the slate of nostalgia overload is '80s and '90s love fest Full House, which was revived by streaming giant Netflix for a revamp called Fuller House. Season 1 drops online Friday, promising all the hallmarks of a Tanner family reunion including the studio audience and unconditional schmaltz. Critics have mostly panned the show so far, but what should we expect? It was never exactly a critical darling to start with.
Producers Bob Boyett and Jeff Franklin didn't set out to reinvent the wheel. Trailers show grown-up D.J. Tanner-Fuller (Candace Cameron Bure) living in her old family home with her three sons after losing her firefighter husband in a work accident. Little sister Stephanie (Jodie Sweetin) and best friend Kimmy Gibbler (Andrea Barber) return to the San Francisco pad (a mansion if we're being honest) to lend a hand, rounding out the already near identical premise.
That's all good, if you loved the original Tanner-Katsopolis-Gladstone clan. But it's 2016, so there have to be a few things that we'd never thought we'd see on Full House in the mix.
For when you're lost out there and you're all alone, here's our predictions on how 2016's Fuller House will carry you home:
Stephanie will still be the best and funniest Tanner.
Jodie Sweetin's comic timing was the rocket that sent Full House into the ratings stratosphere. That's not a talent you just lose. Writers noticed it early and fed her all the best lines including her now iconic catchphrase for all things, but most of all Kimmy Gibbler: "How rude." Expect Sweetin's talent for delivering the driest of material to go far this time.
There will be bombshells about what everyone has been doing.
Expect to find out that Uncle Joey (Dave Coulier) has finally married a magician's assistant or some such nonsense. We've always hypothesized that eventually Danny Tanner (Bob Saget) was hospitalized for his OCD. Even better, we hope they announce that Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) has been playing Lancelot at the local Medieval Times.
An EDM dance break will happen and you will hate it.
The Tanners are famous for their random musical numbers, but music has changed a ton since Jesse and the Rippers were tearing up the airwaves. So, in order to hip themselves to the times, the show will try and jam in the current zeitgeist where ever it can fit it in. Expect glow sticks, fist pumping and cringing if Uncle Joey gets involved.
Someone on the show will have sex.
We probably won't see it, but it will be heavily implied, which is a giant leap forward for this bunch. The platform is Netflix after all. My money's on the Gibbler.
To any working single mom, the story won't make much sense.
True, everyone could use some help when running a business and raising children, but it certainly doesn't require other adults to put their lives on hold. It made sense in a super sexist, '80s way that Danny Tanner was ill equipped to raise three girls on his own. But D.J. Tanner has two elementary schoolers, a baby and a veterinary clinic to take care of — so not really all that much by 2016 single mom standards.
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The fun of Full House has always been the suspension of disbelief. We've always just accepted that D.J. was friends with Kimmy, that obviously Greek Uncle Jesse was in any way related to the three blond Tanner girls and that people found Joey funny.
Asking us to believe one more time to get some of those good feelings back won't hurt that much. Since you're asking, of course, "You've got it, dude."