Do you recognize the people in this photo?
Neither does anyone. These actors hoping to hang onto their SAG cards one more week are portraying the venerable Tanner family on Saturday's The Unauthorized Full House Story on Lifetime. Seeing as how Full House was the primary entertainment source of my formative years, and that Lifetime movies are the primary entertinment source of my adulting years, I'm dipping into the sports cliches and "ready to get out there and leave it all out on the floor, give it 110 percent, earn those goals I don't deserve."
Fans of the 80s and 90s Friday night staple will recall that the show centered around neat-freak widower Danny Tanner, who recruited his brother-in-law (the deliciously mulleted John Stamos) and his friend, that guy who dated Alanis Morissette, to help raise his daughters. Every episode contained some mild intrigue, like the time Stephanie experimented with smoking, or the time DJ wore the same outfit as her teacher (really hard to come back from). And every episode ended in hugs. Over the years, even though they all seemed to have jobs that paid well, no one ever left the Painted Lady. With some perspective now, I can honestly say Aunt Becky should have spoken up at the first mention of "Let's move into the attic, nah, it'll be cool."
Digress. Real life is not contained to Pollyanna-ish half-hour blocks, is it? In the grand tradition of "unauthorized" movies, Lifetime, the Best Channel On Television, seeks to reveal the real-life drama and intrigue that went on behind the scenes, as millions of women in their thirties grip their glasses of Yellow Tail and cry, "I JUST KNEW IT!" The movie's trailer reveals the adorable Olsen twins to be managed by money-grubbing sharks, and also a shocking twist in which Uncle Jesse was meant to be called ADAM. WHERE ARE MY SMELLING SALTS?
Since this is "unauthorized," there's no way to confirm if every juicy detail is true. In that spirit, it's obviously time to float Nine Plausible Theories.
Nine Plausible Theories:
1. The Olsen twins pull off a set of latex masks to reveal they are actually both Bernie Madoff.
2. Jodie Sweetin slips Candace Cameron a stick of Fruit Stripe gum dipped in Aussie mega finish hairspray. She calmly ties her scrunchie as Cameron chews, the acrid taste showing itself. Cameron slowly realizes she has been felled by her nemesis once more. Cameron narrows eyes toward Sweetin, quietly vowing revenge.
3. Comet the dog has a very passive-aggro relationship with Mr. Woodchuck. He knows what he did.
4. Lori Loughlin has an eye contact thing with Patrick Duffy, who works on a nearby set filming Step By Step with Suzanne Somers. But every time she tries to move in, he friendzones her. Is he playing games, or what?
5. Stamos is revealed to have lip synched "Forever." True artists in question include Bryan Adams and whoever sang for Milli Vanilli. No one will go on the record to admit to singing "Forever."
6. The Olsen twins pull off a set of latex masks to reveal they are actually The Coreys. (Which one is Haim and which one is Feldman? Tune in.)
7. Bob Saget, whose character wears pleated khakis and uses Lysol to clean his house plants, turns out to be a super dirty, filthy comedian. Wait.
8. Human toenail Kimmy Gibbler, played by Andrea Barber, played by... someone, is secretly earning her advanced degree in molecular biology, desperate to prove she is more than a strangely Oedipal next-door neighbor with a series of bad overall jorts.
9. The Olsen twins pull off a set of latex masks to reveal they are actually early-stage Kardashians. Movie ends, leaving everyone stunned and lost for words, but somehow compelled to flip to E! and see what Kourtney is saying about Scott right now.
It could happen. Tune in at 8 p.m. Saturday, and share your own theories.