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The Mom Bus is a rolling disaster area

Dad’s car is a spotless, no-fun zone. As primary chauffeur, my car is the kitchen, playroom, storage container and sometimes even the minute clinic.

Have you ever jumped into your car at warp speed, running super late to get your kids somewhere and it hits you? The putrid smell of something decaying in your car. You’re not sure if it’s a tiny frog that crawled into the air vent and died or the runaway mini muffin that has been lodged under the passenger seat for weeks. Either way, it’s bad. Real bad.

I will admit my car is disgusting. I had to stop valet parking five years ago. I was too embarrassed for the high school kid who was going to park my car way out in the boonies to even see the inside of it.

Let’s be real, I am the mom which means I am the primary chauffeur. My car is more than a way of getting from point A to point B. In a mom’s world, the car is the kitchen, playroom, classroom, dressing room, storage container and sometimes even the minute clinic. We live in my car.

On any given day you will find Snack Packs, dolls, coloring pages, crayons, jewelry, extra clothes, library books, hair ties, wipes and a first aid kit. I would be lying if I said it’s because I always want to be prepared. That was true when my girls were toddlers, but not anymore. Now, I just have way too much crap to carry when exiting the vehicle and my kids don’t lift a finger. You will find all the trash and junk in the back seat where they reside, and they have the nerve to tell me the car is messy.

Yes, I know my car is gross; you two are the ones who destroy it. Then they like to point out that Daddy’s car is pristine and smells delicious. Well, he doesn’t let you eat in the car or bring objects into his vehicle. His SUV is a spotless, no fun zone. Do you know what Daddy leaves the house with in the morning? His car keys. Yes, that’s all, folks.

I pull into the garage after 6 p.m. and come to a harrowing stop like Keanu Reeves in Speed. I have my purse, laptop bag, bottled water and usually take out for dinner. I instruct Ella and Adriana no less than 37 times to grab their backpacks and their shoes and socks — which they took off during the ride home.

But the girls have disappeared. They have vanished like David Copperfield and left me with all the mess. Hold on, let me grab all my stuff, their stuff, get the mail and rush inside to tackle two dogs before they run out the front door.

So yeah, I usually forget to pick up the Barbies and the hair ties. I will say, I am trying to get better at emptying the car out ever since I left a gallon of chocolate milk in the trunk for a few days. Whew, that wasn’t fun. On a positive note, I do like the smell of coffee beans in my husband’s socks — my homemade air freshener for my car.

Lynn Cristina is a mother of two who works full time as a marketing manager. Contact her at lcristina@tampabay.com or on Instagram @lynncristinablogs.

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