It's me, Gov. Rick Scott, just starting my second term. (Turns out you disliked Charlie Crist even more than me!) Truth is, I'm already in a bit of a pickle, at least if you ask the "media."
Me, I think things are just peachy, given jobs and tax cuts and jobs and what a beautiful day it is here in Florida and also jobs. But you may have heard something about the "media" poking its Mrs. Kravitz nose into the completely willing, totally planned, everyone-knew-about-it, utterly amicable "resignation" of the respected head of the Florida Department of Law Enforcement, Gerald Bailey.
Who, as I understand it, had big plans to fish and golf and spend more time with the grandkids — once somebody told him he had three hours to clean out his desk.
Now for the life of me, I can't understand why the abrupt departure of a powerful top lawman, the apparent lack of full knowledge by Cabinet members and the unseemly allegations of mixing politics with police power would warrant all these pesky questions.
The implication, which I deny, resent and don't agree with, is he may have been unceremoniously dumped after resisting things like letting the FDLE be used as an entourage limo service for campaign workers, falsely naming someone as a target in a criminal case and meddling in the investigation of a potential Scott appointee — or, for generally declining to let an independent police agency be used as a political tool.
By the way, don't you just hate the "media"? And isn't it a beautiful day in Florida?
So while I will not dignify their tricky, highly complex questions designed to trip me up with their multipronged verbiage — like "Governor, did you lie?" — I have decided to supply not only the answers but also the questions in the following helpful "FAQ on FDLE," Also known as Rick Chats Up Rick. Because in a perfect world, shouldn't every elected official get to say what questions are asked, making "answering" to voters so much easier? I think so too!
Gov. Scott's Press Office: FAQ on FDLE
Q. Is Rick Scott doing a great job for the state of Florida?
A. Why, yes he is!
Q. Is that because of . . . jobs, jobs, jobs?
A. Jobs, jobs, jobs!
Q. Speaking of which, what kind of job is your rather inexperienced chief of staff, Melissa Sellers, whose name has come up in the FDLE scandal, doing these days?
A. You mean our own version of the Deflategate Locker Room Guy, dubiously blamed for the whole mess? Because that's what we call her around the office these days, you know, kidding around and all!
Q. Okay, a hardball question: Does the governor of Florida serve a four-year term?
A. On the advice of counsel, I decline to answer on the grounds that it may tend to incriminate me. (Repeat 74 times.)
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Q. Does this current media-induced "controversy" cast a shadow over your administration?
A. Hey, have you heard about that Warren Sapp guy? Now there's a story critical to public integrity and the future of our state! Let's jaw on that one awhile!
Q. What do you think of members of the Cabinet now distancing themselves from you and/or your staff on this by varying degrees? And what about that meeting with them about this Thursday morning at, of all absurd places, the opening of the Florida State Fair in Tampa?
A. Good question! Speaking of questions, instead of those, what if Cabinet members Pam Bondi — my attorney general buddy who's always got my back — and Agriculture Commissioner Adam Putnam, let me sit between them for their traditional ride down the giant slide? Who cares about answers on who's running this state and how? That crazy carnival midway is the perfect political backdrop to show . . . what a great day it is in Florida!