1. Opinion

Understanding what it means to serve in the military on this Veterans Day | Column

Gina Barreca explains how ‘thank you for your service’ can seem hollow to veterans.
Members of the Dixie Hollins High School JROTC present the colors at the opening of the Bay Pines VA Healthcare System's annual Veterans Day Ceremony in 2014. CHERIE DIEZ | Times (2014)
Published Nov. 8
Gina Barreca is a columnist with the Hartford Courant. (Tom Birkenholz/Harford Courant/MCT)

Those of us who have never been in the military don’t understand what it is like to serve in the military.

My father never wanted to talk about the war. A waist-gunner and radioman on a B-24, he was unlike some other veterans from the neighborhood who traded stories about the places they’d been and adventures they’d had.

But the only detail I knew about my dad’s experience in World War II was that he liked when they served chicken-fried steak.

I was probably 13 when he told that story, and with the unblinking sanctimony that only a teenager can wield, I remember saying, “Wasn’t that really unhealthy?” In a look that I can only describe as for-a-smart-kid-you’re-remarkably-stupid, my father replied, “We were in planes carrying bombs, and enemy planes were shooting at us. Fried food was not a problem.”

I didn’t understand what I was saying back then. This week, with Veterans Day and my father in mind, I asked those who have served to tell me what civilians don’t understand and can’t comprehend. These are some of their responses.

“A lot of people don’t understand how many of us joined out of a sense of service,” said Paul H. Miller Jr., “And because we wanted to be part of something bigger. And they don’t how many deadly — or almost deadly — accidents happen, even during peacetime.”

“The level of loyalty and trust you have for your comrades doesn’t have a direct comparison,” said Natasha Wold, who currently serves in the Army. “The bonds are similar to marriage but formed differently, because they are formed by shared hardships, dark humor, physical pains, fears and accomplishments. I can recognize those who serve and have served sometimes with just quick eye contact. It gets to a point where you just ‘know’ ... without words and without knowing someone personally. You just know and connect.”

Natasha’s point about the ineffable “knowing” who served is the idea most deeply echoed by other veterans.

“There’s an instant connection and recognition between two strangers when they realize they both served: a sort of sign and countersign,” said my former UConn student Sherry, who did not want her last name used. She served and was in active duty in the Air Force. “Whether it’s at an airport bar, Home Depot checkout line or a traffic stop, it’s a quick run down in 30 seconds. What branch, what rank, where were you stationed, deployed to, and which years? If it’s an older veteran, we both realized that while war locations have changed, the military structure and the close friendships we cherish are similar, and that makes us feel bonded.”

Navy veteran Debby Morris affirms the “bond among those who served together that is unbreakable ... even if you didn’t especially like one another. I was in the Navy, which means we had a specific language that’s different from each of the other services. We know when someone is pretending to be a veteran, too.”

After explaining more about her service, Debby ending with a line that made me catch my breath: “None of us really knows what to do with the phrase, ‘Thank you for your service,’ but we smile, nod and say ‘You’re welcome.’ ”

Other veterans immediately agreed with Debby. The random thanks from strangers, however well-meant, did not make them feel particularly valued.

I felt the way I had when I’d made my chicken-fried-steak comment to my dad: I was struck by my own ignorance, however innocent, because I’d made a habit of saying this to people in uniform. What about the line was awkward or unnerving? Is this, I asked, as bankrupt a gesture as the generic “The people of such-and-such a tragedy have my thoughts and prayers,” which is, in effect, primarily self-congratulatory (“What a generous and considerate person I am!”)?

Debby’s answer was this: “‘Thank you for your service’ is a platitude, and underneath, I think for some, there’s an air of ‘Thanks for making sure I didn’t have to serve.’ Not sure.”

It’s a brave answer from a brave veteran. We are in their debt.

Gina Barreca is a board of trustees distinguished professor of English literature at the University of Connecticut and the author of 10 books. She can be reached at

© 2019 The Hartford Courant


  1. Career Foreign Service officer George Kent and top U.S. diplomat in Ukraine William Taylor, right, are sworn in to testify during the first public impeachment hearing of the House Intelligence Committee on Capitol Hill, Wednesday Nov. 13, 2019, in Washington. JOSHUA ROBERTS  |  AP
    Here’s what readers had to say in Friday’s letters to the editor.
  2. SCOTT KEELER   |   Times
Visitors head to Florida's Old Capitol building on the first day of the annual sixty day session, Tuesday, March 5, 2019. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis addressed a joint session of the Florida Legislature Tuesday in Tallahassee.  SCOTT KEELER  |  Tampa Bay Times
    The Florida Legislature appears determined to pass legislation requiring parental consent.
  3. Some of Tampa Bay's largest companies are being sold or are up for sale. Times files and Bloomin' Brands
    Tech Data is just the latest in a growing list of public companies bought up by out-of-state firms.
  4. A house for rent in St. Petersburg.  [SUSAN TAYLOR MARTIN | Times] SUSAN TAYLOR MARTIN  |  Susan Taylor Martin
    The City Council has afforded renters more protections from discrimination and unjustified late fees.
  5. Top U.S. diplomat in Ukraine William Taylor testifies before the House Intelligence Committee on Capitol Hill in Washington, Wednesday, Nov. 13, 2019, during the first public impeachment hearing of President Donald Trump's efforts to tie U.S. aid for Ukraine to investigations of his political opponents. ANDREW HARNIK  |  AP
    Here’s what readers had to say in Thursday’s letters to the editor.
  6. Leonard Pitts undefined
    No controversy ever ends quietly on social media, writes Leonard Pitts.
  7. In this Oct. 11, 2018, photo, rescue personnel perform a search in the aftermath of Hurricane Michael in Mexico Beach. GERALD HERBERT  |  AP
    While it is too late to stop global warming, we can prevent it from getting worse, two scientists write.
  8. Florida's toll roads
    Here’s what readers had to say in Wednesday’s letters to the editor.
  9. President Donald Trump talks to the media before leaving the White House, Saturday, Nov. 9, 2019, in Washington. (AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta) MANUEL BALCE CENETA  |  AP
    President Donald Trump’s conduct is the issue as House begins public phase of impeachment inquiry.
  10. Pasco County community news TMCCARTY80  |  Tara McCarty
    Pasco County letters to to the editor