An open letter to Gisele Bündchen upon your move to Tampa
Everyone is talking about Tom Brady, but we didn’t forget you.
Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen at the 2019 Hollywood For Science Gala held at a Private Estate on February 21, 2019 in Beverly Hills.
Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen at the 2019 Hollywood For Science Gala held at a Private Estate on February 21, 2019 in Beverly Hills. [ XAVIER COLLIN | ]
Published Apr. 15, 2020|Updated Jan. 26, 2021

Dear Gisele,

Sorry we have been so obsessed with your husband. When Tom Brady was named quarterback of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, we thought we were being pranked. You see, we don’t always get nice things. We had a Coach purse once, but the label slid off in the heat.

However, you are also a big deal. If someone had said “Gisele Bündchen, international supermodel who has appeared on 2,000 magazine covers, who has topped numerous Forbes lists, will one day make her home in Tampa,” we would have laughed and turned back to The Devil Wears Prada.

Perhaps you didn’t imagine it, either. Perhaps you implored him to start a new football team somewhere like Orcas Island. Nonetheless, you and hubs made a classy entrance by donating 750,000 meals to Feeding Tampa Bay. You’re a noted philanthropist, a United Nations goodwill ambassador. You’ve planted trees in your native Brazil and helped other countries facing poverty and pollution. It’s exciting to think about the work you can do in good old Tompa Bay™.

Lest you think this is a mosquito-infested backwater laced with wide highways, know we are much more. Here are some tips for getting to know Tampa Brady™ based on extensive internet research into your life. Use this when you are done flattening the curve inside Jeter’s house.

Related: In the words of Ben Franklin, please pay for news

Though you describe your personal style as “comfy,” you are accustomed to luxury brands. Find many at International Plaza, which also has an Auntie Anne’s Pretzels on the lower level near the playground. We humbly suggest the cinnamon pretzel bites.

You said your vice is “organizing.” Many of us would answer “eating just a little bit of butter off the stick,” but organizing is also dark. You may enjoy a trip to the Container Store, which is across from the mall and near… wait for it… Brazilian steakhouse Texas de Brazil! Feel free to hate it and yearn for home.

Though you once survived on cheeseburgers and cigarettes, you are now into clean eating and growing food. We are proud to have urban farms, hydroponics and vast acreages of crops, including strawberries. We know Tom doesn’t really eat fruit, but as stated, we are not talking about Tom AT THIS TIME.

Related: I'm the slogan 'Tompa Bay,' and I urge you to reconsider me

You love surfing and horseback riding. Florida is a perfect place to do both, though you’ll have to go to the other coast to catch significant waves. In lieu, try the FlowRider surfing machine inside the Surf Style store on Clearwater Beach. Don’t go during spring break unless you want to encounter folks from those What Not To Do During COVID-19 videos.

You told Vogue you fly helicopters. Though surely you have access to a private helipad, you might like St. Petersburg’s Albert Whitted Airport. While you’re there, take the kids to the Dalí Museum and spend madcap hours looking for the face in the Disappearing Bust of Voltaire!

Speaking of St. Petersburg, you’ll find our communities sprawling and diverse. Venture out of Tampa to find areas including Seminole Heights, Dunedin, Safety Harbor and Gulfport. There are day trips ahoy in the Brady Family Truckster.

Furthermore, we encourage Tompa Bay™ businesses specializing in any of the following interests to reach out: margaritas; pizza; denim; light nail polish; beet salad; aromatherapy; kayaks; key lime pie; crystals; Bruno Mars karaoke; skydiving; coconut oil; guitar; tai chi.

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Honestly, you’ll like it here. You’ve talked openly about mental health and panic attacks and said meditation, yoga and slowing down have helped you. This is a supportive environment for all of it. The air is warm, the sunsets are ravishing and the people are pretty solid.

Welcome, Gisele. Our style is comfy, too.

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