Conspiracy: Florida weather messed up the SpaceX launch to look cool
Stephanie Hayes | The weather will be inclement as long as it pleases, thank you.

A historic space launch was supposed to happen Wednesday, but Florida weather swooped in to do what Florida weather does best. Mess with plans.

The whole day was very Florida. It’s like how it can be raining on one side of U.S. 19 and not the other, if U.S. 19 was a pathway to the galaxy and not to Aldi.

I’m not typically one for conspiracy theories, but if you’ll just allow me to show you this short viral video, it will explain why forecasters spent the whole day going, “Meh... 50/50,″ alternating between tornado advisories and clear skies.

The first American launch sending humans to space in years was “scrubbed" due to weather. Please use “scrubbed” to explain all canceled plans going forward. Thank you.

The Falcon 9 will try again Saturday to leave Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral. There is another rain date on Sunday. Honestly, we’re free then, too.

NASA’s shuttle program, once a beacon of our country’s shared purpose, ended in 2011. An eccentric rich person emerged to restore that national spirit of exploration. SpaceX will be the first private company to launch humans into orbit, paving the way for Groupon Getaways to Mars.

Astronauts Doug Hurley and Bob Behnken, henceforth “Doug and Bob,” will head to the International Space Station on the capsule Crew Dragon, achieving the ultimate social distance.

An image taken from video made available by SpaceX shows astronauts Bob Behnken, background left, and Doug Hurley as they sit in the capsule on Wednesday.
An image taken from video made available by SpaceX shows astronauts Bob Behnken, background left, and Doug Hurley as they sit in the capsule on Wednesday. [ AP ]

It was all very cool Wednesday! Doug and Bob, the hottest new influencers, rode to the launch site in product placement Teslas. They wore fashiony spacesuits. People seemed to momentarily forget our collective peril.

Then Florida did its thing. With less than 17 minutes to go, SpaceX called it off. It would have been fine 10 minutes later, but launch times are extremely specific due to reasons six people have explained, but I still don’t understand. I will ask Elon Musk at first chance. I also will ask how baby X Æ A-Xii is doing.

Florida did not want to let the Falcon go. Who can blame Florida?

Things have been pretty messy in our state lately, what with people showing their patriotism by spitting into each other’s mouths while wearing stars and stripes tank tops. And it’s not like Florida had a great reputation anyway. “Tampa” is a low-hanging punchline. We don’t have time to get into #FloridaMan.

The launch is a reminder that we are not a joke. History is made here. The Falcon will leave from launch pad 39-A, the most famous pad of all the pads, where America sent men to the moon. Florida’s Space Coast is a national treasure, a place for field trips and foamy space ice cream. A place where families spent decades gathering to watch launches, instilling a sense of curiosity about the things we cannot see.

So yeah, we’re that weird dude at the party. But we’re the state of Publix subs and oranges. Of NSYNC, Zora Neale Hurston, Jim Morrison and Mickey Mouse. The Fountain of Youth and Gatorade. Please remember that we are cool.

If not, we will storm on one side of the highway as long as it keeps Doug and Bob around. They are the coolest.

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