You see a person without a mask. You:
- High five them and then belly bump, followed by a spit shake.
- Discuss a conspiracy theory from Facebook, standing really close with really hot breath.
- Go to your local municipality and shout about this conspiracy and also how you don’t wear underwear.
- Walk away.
You have a choice between a block party or a quiet night at home. You:
- Start a signup sheet for casseroles.
- Agree to make the Jell-O shots.
- Ask if you can bring three other friends and then say it’s fine because you will be staying 6 feet apart, a distance you maintain for 38 seconds, at which point you decide, YOLO, and start a game of chicken in the pool.
- Watch a nice show on Netflix.
You have an elderly or immunocompromised family member. You:
- Decide that it’s probably just their time.
- Help them get their affairs in order.
- Thank them for their service.
- Try not to kill them.
You run government in an area where cases are rising rapidly. You:
- Invite large-scale events to come on down.
- Point out that now it’s young people, so it’s fine.
- Explain: “We are where we are.”
- Listen to scientists and be open to rolling things back, because having pocket awareness is a sign of a strong quarterback! Reiterate that it’s hard out here, but we can do it! Encourage everyone to work together like folks did in World War II, when sacrificing for the common good was a cool American ideal! Yeah!
You or your children have experienced disappointment. You:
- Know you cannot handle it and proceed as if nothing is wrong.
- Keep going to football practice.
- Declare that you will make sure the graduation/prom/trip to see Mrs. Doubtfire on Broadway all still happen.
- Feel bad for awhile.
• • •
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