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  1. Opinion

I’m a political text message, and I’m here to destroy you

Stephanie Hayes | Will you tell three of your friends to tell three of their friends?

As we inch closer to Nov. 3, political text messages are on the rise. Well, “rise” implies something positive. Let’s say political text messages are on the OH MY GOD STOP.

The Federal Communications Commission allows unsolicited campaign texts as long as they aren’t sent with autodialing technology. This is a clear and concise rule helpful to the American people! Under this directive, the government also allows unlimited text messages from your ex.

We uncovered a log of political texts to provide the feds evidence that we simply cannot take any more. If this keeps up, we will step on our phones and go back to letter writing via quill.

• • •

Hi! I am Zachary with the Legion of Voting Voters. Don’t forget to return your mail ballot by Nov. 3, and vote for our candidate, because the other one is bad! Follow this link for 17 ways he is bad.

Hi. Can we count on you to remind three friends to vote for Joe Biden? Can you ask them to ask three of their friends who will then ask three of their friends who will then ask three of their friends? We know we can count on you! Data and message rates may apply.

Nine West here with the hottest fall fashions and…

Nine West text quickly bumped down by:

Hello (name of previous phone number owner)! Would you like economic recovery, lower taxes and more prosperity, or would you like to be a bridge troll with a jewel in its belly who speaks only in popular song? The choice is yours!

Hi!!! It’s Veronica! President Trump needs your support and you are weak if you don’t! Can you pledge $3 today to TANK THE OPPOSITION? (Reply STOP to stop, but why would you stop? You’re either a tank or you’re not a tank.)

Hey babe, I was gonna pick up dinner but…

Babe’s text obliterated by:

What’s up? The philosopher Plutarch once said that man’s indecision when it comes to voting is the real problem with the world. We think it was Plutarch. It might have been Ludwig Wittgenstein. Whatever, vote yes on Amendment 2!

Hi there (your spouse or child)! Voters in Florida hold the key to the next election. Will you pledge to mail your ballot by tomorrow? You don’t need postage. You simply need the will to climb out of the apathetic ketosis you call a life, you pathetic worm! We really appreciate you!!

Honey, it’s mom. I haven’t heard from you in…

Mom’s text knocked out by:

GREETINGS! Because of your exceptional voting record, we trust you to rally your family to the polls. Does a loved one need a ride? Does a relative need help making sense of the ballot? The job is YOURS! Talk to your family today!

Hey, I really need some help, can you come fast, I...

Whoever that was is swiftly replaced by...

Kevin from Action for Politics Action Politics here. We are living the consequences of 2016, and we can’t afford a repeat. Please take this short, 562-page survey. Upload it to Dropbox before sending it back, because the file will be too large. If that doesn’t work, try the scan and send app on your phone. You can also convert it to a PDF, print it out and send it as certified mail. It just takes three minutes to make change!

• • •

Now to promote our own text message service! We will not send it to you unless you ask for it. With ConText 2020, get voting information, news updates and ask political editor Steve Contorno questions through your phone. Sign up here.

Related: Read more columns from Stephanie Hayes

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