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Oh my God: A list of things that happened in one week
Riots, Axe body spray, Cleveland Browns, Olive Garden, Twitter and more.

Do you like lists? I often make lists such as “buy milk,” “call doctor about thing” and “look up technical definition of coup.” To get a handle on the unbelievable events of the past week, I made a new list. My hope is that it helps us prioritize mental energy, like catching a carp covered in butter.

It bears repeating: this all happened in seven days. This is enough news for a solid six months. You should feel proud for having made it this far. Let’s go.

We got through five days of January without an insurrection, so that’s pretty good.

Then, thousands of Donald Trump supporters, including the guy who married Britney Spears for 55 hours, descended on Washington, D.C., as Congress met to certify the election. The day resulted in violence, death and a serious threat to democracy.

Many rioters posed for photos doing illegal stuff, which any criminal will tell you is a great plan. They were arrested throughout the week, including a guy jailed in Pinellas County who is not HGTV home improvement star Chip Gaines.

Axe Body Spray issued a statement condemning violence and supporting a peaceful transition of power. With Axe on board, Congress was finally able to certify the election.

Olive Garden did NOT revoke Sean Hannity’s Never Ending Pasta Pass, despite a meme. Hannity took to the air to correct the record, PASTABLY the weirdest moment all week. If RAVIONLY we could have been spared. At least it’s over, ORZO we think.

Three Cabinet members jumped ship. Missouri Sen. Josh Hawley lost a book deal, and people started saying “Orwellian” with varying degrees of success.

Some called for Trump’s removal while others, including President-Elect Joe Biden, said they were busy that week. It appeared Vice President Mike Pence wouldn’t invoke the 25th amendment to remove his boss from office, so Democrats started a second impeachment process. Yes, we are still in the same week!

Amazon kicked fringe conservative social network Parler off its web services. Parler sued Amazon. Trump was dumped by Twitter, Facebook, Reddit, Twitch, Shopify, Google, YouTube, Instagram, SnapChat, TikTok, Discord, Stripe and Pinterest. It remains unclear where the president will post bathroom renovation ideas or 30-minute weeknight meals.

Biden announced the rest of his cabinet nominees and a new CIA director, which would have been big news in another time. I don’t know, the 1980s?

Vogue put Vice President-Elect Kamala Harris on the cover, but the internet liked a different photo better. By this point in the week, energy stores were at an all-time low.

In a surprise twist, Arnold Schwarzenegger emerged with a touching and forceful video featuring Conan the Barbarian’s sword, plus some thoughts about metal forging. Many people reported sticking with an entire 7-minute video, the most shocking news of the week.

Someone “pranked” the State Department’s website to say Trump’s term would end Monday. Because, apparently, people can just hop into the code like it’s Angelfire in 1998. Someone else may have scrawled “TRUMP” on a manatee.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers won their first playoff game in almost 18 years. Even better, the Cleveland Browns won their first playoff game in 26 years. The Cleveland Browns! These are both my home teams, and I do not want any guff. Save your guff for one of the other 86 items on this list.

The pandemic raged on. Several lawmakers contracted COVID-19 after the Capitol lockdown. Florida had nearly half of all COVID-19 variant cases. GORILLAS at the SAN DIEGO ZOO tested POSITIVE for the CORONAVIRUS.

Locally, Amalie Arena made the call to keep fans away as Tampa prepared for the upcoming Super Bowl by getting parks ready for events and crowds. “The situation remains fluid for a first-ever Super Bowl being planned during a pandemic” was an actual sentence in a story.

Lastly, the FBI warned of plans for more armed protests at all 50 state capitals as we approach the inauguration. That is... let’s see... a week from today.

What could go wrong in a week?

Related: Read more columns from Stephanie Hayes

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