You’re not reading this on a smartphone or tablet, are you?

I hope not, for your sake. They say the government can use imperceptible fluctuations in the light to reprogram your brain waves, giving them complete control over your thoughts and actions. You’ll be Joe Biden’s zombie and you won’t even know it.

You think that’s crazy? Shows what you know. You probably think the moon landing was real. You probably think Kennedy was killed by a lone gunman. Heck, you probably think Kennedy was killed. (He was actually a crisis actor.)

If Bill Gates can track your whereabouts by injecting nanobots into your body through a vaccine that supposedly “protects” you from a virus, what makes you think your devices can’t be programmed to program you? If the federal government can paralyze Texas and leave millions in the dark using fake snow and the Green New Deal, anything is possible.

In fact, that should be the motto for our time: “Anything is possible.” So trust no one. Especially not the lamestream media. You really think you’re going to get the truth from NBC, CNN or the “Miami” Herald? Heck, there’s no such thing as Miami!

Don’t believe me? Get a map of Florida from the early 1800s and look for this “Miami.” It’s ... not ... there, is it? And suddenly now, just 200 years later, we’re supposed to believe it exists? I don’t think so.

If the government can fake a snowstorm — if it can fake a whole city — what can’t it do? If you want to know what’s really going on, you’ve got to get away from lamestream media with all their “sources” and “facts.” No, you’ve got to get your information from people who don’t waste time with all that.

You think I’m talking about Q, right? Forget Q. Q was an FBI front. Q doesn’t even exist. Tucker Carlson himself said so.

No, if you want the true truth, go to Y. Why Y? Because Y will tell you what’s going on. Y will show you how everything connects. Y knows where the bodies are buried.

But you don’t want to become Joe Biden’s zombie, so take precautions. Before using your tablet or smartphone to link up with Y, put on a pair of photochromic ski goggles; amber works best. Then, using a generous amount of Reynolds brand aluminum foil, fashion a helmet that covers your head down to within a quarter inch of your eyebrows, leaving your left ear exposed. Punch a small hole in the helmet about where it covers the parietal lobe. Insert a swizzle stick and tape it so that it points due South. Important: The stick must be pink.

But even at that, you’ll want to limit exposure to your devices. No more than 13 hours online at any one sitting. Then take at least an hour off before signing on again.

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Do it now. Find Y. Listen to Y before it’s too late.

Y will show you how the election was stolen to install a president from a party of cannibal pedophiles, and how antifa ran amok in the Capitol and blamed it on good, patriotic Americans while destroying files that would have exposed the entire scheme. Also: Y understands the plot of Tenet and how it relates to the coded message Bart Simpson scrawls on that chalkboard every week.

Or yeah, sure, you could forget all of this and reconnect with your family and friends, with people who say they’re worried about you, who say you’ve changed, who describe you in terms of loss, like someone missing — or someone dead. Are you going to do that or are you going to don your aluminum foil helmet and help Y save America?

It should be a pretty easy call.

Leonard Pitts Jr. is a columnist for the Miami Herald, 3511 NW 91st Ave., Miami, Fla., 33172. Readers may contact him via e-mail at lpitts@miamiherald.com.

© 2021 Miami Herald. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.