Florida trans girls are cordially invited to play sports at my house
Since the Florida House wants to ban transgender athletes from women’s sports, come on over.
The fields are not this great, but we'll make it work. Tribune News Service.
The fields are not this great, but we'll make it work. Tribune News Service.
Published Apr. 15
Updated Apr. 15


Who: All Florida girls

Where: My house. It will be a squeeze, but we’ve all been eager for a party, right?

What: Sports, sports for everyone who wants to play sports!

Why: Because the total divs in the Florida House, joining at least 30 other states, decided the best way to demonstrate limited government was to pass legislation keeping transgender girls out of school sports. Which, by the way, is not a real problem, and something that virtually no one was complaining about in the first place.

Related: Florida House passes bill banning transgender athletes from women’s sports

But it’s a day that ends in Y, so it’s a good time to dehumanize children who are already marginalized. Apparently, getting through school is not traumatic enough! School is such a breeze, and none of us ever had to eat a Fruit Roll-up while sitting on the toilet and waiting for the bell to ring. Let’s add the potential for student athletes to undergo abhorrent genital testing, like we are living in a 1950s B horror movie.

Some people think they don’t know anyone transgender and are scared. Haha! Oops, you do! You know someone! Trans people have existed forever, even if you don’t realize it. It might be someone you love, or someone you work with, or someone you go to school with, or someone in church who has never told you because it’s Nunya, a city in New Jersey. Ask me how I know! Wait, don’t, because it’s not my story to tell.

The frosted flakes in the Legislature would open up all girls to this gross scrutiny. If this becomes law, it will ensure anyone can lodge a complaint, asserting someone is not female and demanding they prove it.

This will hurt girls who happen to be tall or strong or fast. It will hurt Black girls, who are already disproportionally subjected to questions about their gender when they excel in athletics. It will hurt the one in 1,000 people born with multiple sexual anatomy characteristics. I guess all the paternalistic, lawmaking dill weeds are ready to have their daughters submit to genetic and testosterone tests or an exam of their reproductive anatomies if someone complains at districts!

What could go wrong?

So, you are cordially invited to play youth sports at my place. The leagues will be a disaster, I’m sorry to say. I have a total of three athletic balls, and no bats or nets of any kind. The grass needs to be cut, and it’s full of those little sticky seeds, ugh.

But you ladies deserve the right to elbow each other in the rib cages and say you didn’t do it. To pull hair and start to play real dirty around age 10. To argue over whose mom forgot it was her turn on snack signup. To enjoy the sheer exhilaration of crushing defeat, just like everyone else.


Related: Read more columns from Stephanie Hayes

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