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Move into an old shoe, and more Tampa Bay real estate market tips
Renters and buyers really can have it all!
The Tampa Bay housing market awaits.
The Tampa Bay housing market awaits. [ CHRIS URSO | Times ]
Published Sep. 17
Updated Sep. 17

Hi, thanks for meeting. Please take a tiny bottled water. As your Tampa Bay real estate professional, I’d like to help you get the most for your money. I believe you’ll find our housing market reasonable, accessible and impenetrable to devastating collapse. Nervous tick? No, no, I rip my cuticles out of joy. Let’s start-a-rooney!

Tampa Bay is the American dream, with no state income tax, “low” housing prices (legal counsel advises quotation marks) and 94 percent humidity. Some sillies claim this is one of the most expensive regions in the country to rent, but I like to say we have 20.6 percent more oomph! Oatmeal cookie?

I see you only have one full-time job. That’s going to be a problem if you want anything with walls. Hmm, let me see what we have.

Check out these futuristic apartments coming to Tampa, starting under $1,000 a month for less than 400 square feet. That’s roughly the size of a garage, or one of those cute Ewok tree huts. The bed disappears on slidey things, and then you have a luxurious office! If you want friends over, simply ask them to be smaller. I mean, $3.20 per-square-foot is a screaming deal. If your friends don’t support you by shrinking, are they really your friends?

Related: As Tampa Bay gets more expensive, micro apartments with robotic furniture are coming

Tampa Bay is the premier place to start a family. Fantastic schools, parks and beaches. Live where you vacation! You are going to need to rear between eight and 12 children who can enter the workforce at age 10, but I’m sure you... look, a barn door. SO chic.

Maybe you’re thinking of selling. Congratulations, my friend, you’re going to be rich. I sold a Domino’s pizza box for $600,000 last week. Hmm? Blood stain? Sarcophagus? Tricky, but it’s so hard to get a corner lot. Let’s list high and see what happens. Great news. It’s been up seconds, and there are 84 offers, plus three letters of appeal from priests.

Now we need to get you into a new house. Cash is king to compete with out-of-state buyers and investors, so simply reach under your mattress and pull out those burlap sacks with the old-timey dollar signs on the front. Other great ways to get cash are to rob a bank or cut out those weekly macchiatos.

Related: Is it better to buy or rent in Tampa Bay? Both come with hurdles

Tough love time: you’re going to have to be flexible. You’ve seen House Hunters, right? Haha, guilty pleasure. Those people are so ridiculous, looking for comfortable housing within their means. Like, really, we can’t all have plumbing, Janet.

Inventory may be low, but don’t overlook the alternatives. Tiny houses are having a moment. How about a She Shed, but instead of a hobby space, it’s your home? Maybe a carport? Jon boat? Phone booth? I’m going to send you a link to one of those shanties rural kids use to wait for the bus, that won’t last. Have you seen the old Chris Farley sketch about a van down by the river? You can’t put a price on these views.

Don’t get disheartened, okay? We are due for a price-correction, okay? There is nothing anyone can do about affordable housing or density control or construction supply costs, okay? Don’t think about 2008, okay? Everything was uglier back then, okay? So much satin nickel and dark wood, okay? It will all be okay, okay? Okay?

Ooh, a ping. I just got a listing you’re going to love. It’s the sensation that happens when you keep your eyes open too long and everything turns gray. Open concept!

Related: Read more columns from Stephanie Hayes

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