The following first appeared in Stephinitely, a weekly newsletter from columnist Stephanie Hayes featuring a bonus column and behind-the-scenes chatter. To get it in your inbox every Monday, subscribe here.

With the hot dogs and white pants of Labor Day a speck in the distance last week, news outlets informed everyone that Christmas was 100 days away.

First of all, how dare they.

Second of all, it was mere moments before consumer panic set in. Retail experts proclaimed that we MUST. START. SHOPPING. NOW. We will have no gifts otherwise. The children will weep. Christmas trees will be barren, but for little pieces of paper that say, “It’s on the way.”

It’s very dramatic at the moment. A reporter on Today last week actually said “if you fail to prepare, prepare to fail,” a quote sometimes attributed to Benjamin Franklin. If he did actually say that, he was probably talking about, you know, expanding mail service to Montreal as postmaster. He wasn’t talking about getting his mitts on an LOL Surprise Doll.

True, there’s more reason than usual to freak out (does one need a reason?). Supply chains are a mess due to the pandemic, with shuttered factories, worker shortages and jammed ports. It’s not just gifts. Some are forecasting shortages of groceries and suggesting people order Thanksgiving turkeys as soon as possible.

Point taken, but I decline! No thank you! Where am I going to store a whole turkey for more than two months? I am not Ma Ingalls! Also, everyone will be secretly relieved when there’s no dry turkey at the table! They will act disappointed anyway, because we are trapped in an endless bourgeois charade, but we know the truth!

Look, there is only one thing to do here, and that is to cancel the holidays until the world gets its act together. There will be no Christmas, no Hanukkah, no Thanksgiving. If you want to have a small religious observance, the courts will allow it. But we are in no position to have bloated exchanges of merchandise and merriment.

Instead, you may choose one or more of the following pandemic-era holidays:

Winter Solstice Procession Of Writing Letters To Local Representatives

Everyone Trades Socks Eve

Feast Of Explaining To Kids That We Must Continue To Make Sacrifices And They’ll Understand One Day The Way We Now Understand What Our Grandparents Did For Us

Saint Dolly Parton Day

Viking Yule Strength Of Character Display

I Can’t Believe People Are The Way They Are Bank Holiday

Annunciation Of Let’s Just Order Pizza Again

Re-gift Stuff You Bought Online During the Pandemic Festival Of The Sun

Annual Celebration Of Canceling Trips We Planned To Take When We Thought Everything Was Going Back To Normal

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